(Stand-up Tips for Newbies & reminders For Newbies at heart!)
I know of nothing in the entire world (vocation-wise) that is any more difficult than being a nuclear physicist, or a stand-up comic. If you are compelled to take on either, you are out of your freaking mind. Welcome to the club!
For every 2000 hopefuls who begin comedy in America, only 2 or 3 ever go on to a paying career. Those 2 or 3 usually made it that far because they knew someone, or they worked harder than their competition. I don't think y... continue reading
I know of nothing in the entire world (vocation-wise) that is any more difficult than being a nuclear physicist, or a stand-up comic. If you are compelled to take on either, you are out of your freaking mind. Welcome to the club!
For every 2000 hopefuls who begin comedy in America, only 2 or 3 ever go on to a paying career. Those 2 or 3 usually made it that far because they knew someone, or they worked harder than their competition. I don't think y... continue reading
The week is already almost over, so we decided that it might be about time to decide on next week's news. Just in case we don't have time to come up w...
According to Trump Mexicans are mainly rapists, Nigerians will "never go back to their huts", Haitian immigrants have all AIDS, and African countries ...
As praised by Fox News, the meeting of two dictators is currently in progress and what do two dictators do when they meet each other? They praise each...
Trump told reporters that the summit on June 12 might still happen, that he's still open to it, AFTER he cancelled it himself. So you asked the girl o...
And there's a lie in this title. He doesn't lie in all of his tweets, maybe just half of them. Although sometimes he does lie multiple times in one tw...
Trump has just declared his genius, again. Nobody else is seeing it. But he keeps persisting it is there.
As all other problems in the world disappear, the Pope wants to change the wording of a book of fiction. People are outraged.
Steven Segal was given Russian citizenship last year by Vladimir Putin, in 2016. He has been a huge supporter of Putin for a while now. He has called ...
I am Sally Simpson and I wi be your spiritual guide trying to help you to reach your happiness potential. I wanted to start writing this book earlier ...
There is a certain pivotal point in every nerd's life when he realises that any efforts to run with a popular clique are futile, and so instead he set...
Sometimes I feel like I am the luckiest person in the world. I keep winning with random lotteries pretty much daily, sometimes it is hundreds of thous...
Something Wanna Trade Your Citizenship For Mine? (Walk A Mile in My Red Shoes!) If you are a citizen of a country that is not America, I wish you well...
Donald Trump, the leader for the free world, just discovered that health care is complicated. In the beginning of the week he said - I have to tell yo...
For three years, I’ve been trying to die as quietly as possible, and trying to not bother anyone or anybody. Now, for some unimaginable reason, I have...
Have you ever felt the wrath of another and received a passive aggressive note? Perhaps you left your car in a space they wanted or you’d forgotten to...
In my freshman, year I attended a brand new high school in Fairfax Virginia called Woodson T. High School. Irv Woodson had won the Nobel Prize for i...
A how-to guide for leaving a spectacular message on someone’s answering machine…or at least not getting slapped with a restraining order as the result...
Although the Bible is a document meant to be taken seriously, there are too many verses, chapters and stories that make for great comic relief. Stand-...
If you're an amateur clown, then you're allowed to say anything that comes into your mind. But, if you have a microphone in front of you, and think yo...
In his highly informative and contagiously hilarious memoir-slash-guide, “Stand-up Decoded” (published by Xlibris), author Lue Deck pens down a pletho...
Greetings, readers of The Cheers, creatures of the Earth. Today is the day when The Cheers found a new, especially creative, fabulous, nice looking, a...
The oath of office is given in front of thousands of cheering Americans in front of the Capitol.
Mucus Lekoslut, attorney at LARGE, weighed over 300 pounds, but claimed to have lost 50 pounds in the last month.
He said he discovered a new, most...
Has anyone had any green alien sex? William Shatner claims he hasn’t, even though we have all seen him on Star Trek doing that thing. My buddy George ...
Bar Mitzvah boy, Hymie Klitmann, announces his conversion to Catholocism during his Bar Mitzvah speech. His mother has a stroke. His father, unimpre...
In the course of human events, it has become necessary for one people to dissolve the bonds that restrain each from saying, “Stop that!” I may have a...
John Titor (a.k.a. Timetravel_0) was a message poster in a few forums some years ago, and he had many different discussions about the future time he ...
The technological revolution has electronics manufacturers out doing each other almost on a daily basis. What is the best and fastest today will be an...
Things can happen either for a reason or without a reason. Happenings can’t happen without anything happening. That’s logical, without a doubt. The fo...
On Saturday night I spent a good deal of time smoking dope and playing Guitar Hero 3. Near the end of this time, it occurred to me that I might not b...
Dr. Tina Dupres is best known for her expertise in the areas of anorexia and bulimia, especially in teens. She has written three books on the subject...
There've been hard feelings between Northerners and Southerners since 1861. Much of these sentiments have faded, but let's get real, not all of them.
I’m being kept in chains inside the cyber castle of The Cheers magazine. My editorial staff is throwing stones at me, one bigger than the other. They ...
Let's face it, as far as America's popularity around the globe goes, we're not doing so well right now. We should be brainstorming to come up with som...
This article is dedicated to much beloved bald guy: Tom Sobel! Get well soon buddy!
Standing at the bar watching them are a balding New Yorker, a Mormon, some Huckabuck, and one angry Vietnam vet. All are quite wary, as this is the fi...
(Or: Why should I say thanks?) (Or: Just sit your xenophobic butt down, and listen to reason!)
Hey world, calm down some! Gosh, golly, gee, if we're all so terrible just put America on “hold” for awhile until we get a new leader. Dubya’s warrant...
Here's my challenge: If you're not happy and want to be so, or if you're happy and want to take steps to remain so, or if you're not sure if you are a...
I've made some mistakes in my life. Some real doozies! And you, kind reader, unless your name is Jesus, you have too. Acknowledging this, have the mis...
OK, so America did well at nation building with South Korea, Japan, and Germany. Nobody can take that away from us. America also did pretty well with...
A compendium of information, entertainment and some words to the wise. The first part's true, the last part's Lue!
That’s my question! Do you hate to be tickled? Some people do. I am not one of those people. Do you like to tickle your lover? I do. It’s scientific...
After a good night at a comedy show, isn’t it amazing how hard you laughed then, but the next day, you can’t recall the name, or place the face? (Geez...
Gosh, with all the holiday blues going around, and with all of Uncle Sam's woes these days, it's become real easy to get down on ourselves lately. Bu...
From Subic Bay in the Philippines, to a 2,000 seat arena on the Island of Diego Garcia in the Pacific Ocean, when I have been onstage doing comedy sho...
When one prostitutes oneself for laughs, i.e. taking money to perform in a plethora of cities and states and countries, face it, most stand-up comics ...
Here’s an idea whose time may have come: Like the Christmas commercials running already, it could be too early to propose this, but…won’t you all cons...
If you can force your Freud, Jung, and Dr. Phil back in their closets for a moment, I’ve got a story to tell you. If you can’t, just ignore me, and go...
With three hundred and sixty one days gone from 2006, it may be a good idea to retrace our steps to see how we've come to where we are. At least that'...
When you are laughing with a stand-up comedian, it may not make much difference to you whether the comic is a joke guy or an attitude guy. But for tho...
The immigration problem in California is so bad, we've had to hire a temporary guest worker from Austria to govern our state! Is our star's brilliance...
When England’s Prime Minister returned from his meeting with Hitler, Chamberlain waved a signed truce paper and declared to all: He had achieved “Peac...
It's time to realize wackos escaped from the booby hatch are advising the C student that runs America and the free world. Where did they come from? We...
There's one sound that represents freedom in America more than anything else to me...
The Grand Old Party and rabid Rush Limbaugh fans still have a surprise up their sleeves. Unlike their ill-fated attempts to get Ronnie Reagan on Mount...
Everyday, somebody, somewhere starts bitching about the reasons so many Americans, possibly the most privileged citizens in this world, don’t vote! He...
Welcome to Los Angeles, the weirdest show on Earth! Step right up...L.A.'s got what your looking for! We've got it all! Step right up, don't be shy! ...
(If you want peace, read on. If you don’t want peace, then go away…Or go invade something…or go bomb somebody…just don’t read this.)
We met on a cruise ship. No names please, but the ship was with a cruise line that rhymes with " Parnival! "
John Donne said: “No man is an island, entire of itself…any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind…”
I tried to ramp up for this list. Sadly, it wasn’t too much of a stretch. Most men might agree with me, but not out loud.
(Take time to smell the flowers, before we're drenched by May showers. Here's some ephemera from the stream of conciousness that will always represent...
After revamping the look and feel of the magazine, it's time to take it to the next step. All aboard!
Then it was his turn. I bowed down, he placed the spoon in his mouth, and all the sudden, whack! It hurt like Hell!
It was 17th March 2004 when The Cheers magazine published its first issue. Within the past year we have published articles written by more than 120 wr...
When you are working as an entertainer, especially with a circus or other traveling show you are bound to hook up romantically with another performer ...
I won’t lie to you. I am not the best husband in the world. I am not the greatest guy around. I am extremely selfish and flawed.
In World War Two, a Dear John letter meant someone was getting kissed off. This is not that kind of letter, but it is a Dear John letter, and someone ...
You thought I forgot about you, didn’t you? You’ve been sitting in your fancy office reaping the benefits of another well-read cartoon strip. The sale...
Hello everyone. Welcome to the journal. This week I want to tell you about a little piece of my vacation. This occurred when we went to see the Price ...
Yesterday I went to a club with some good friends. We had some beers, lots of laughs, talks about my really long nipples and by the end of the night ...
At a friend’s house over the weekend, I was presented with a riddle. Normally, I am a fan of riddles and brain teasers. In the age of the internet, a ...
Every man needs a hobby. My wife says all men need to putter. I’ve never given much credence to the hobby as a necessity but I am not without my time-...
OK, I admit it I’m a clone! And my girl friend is a robot! Get over it! I know there’s some silly Primordial Directive against me revealing this, bu...
Every family has their own set of traditions during the holidays. Some are long-standing rites of passage filled with meaning and sentiment. Others ar...
Hello and Merry Christmas to all. I really have nothing to say for Christmas except for this…
Christmas season is a wonderful time - a time when houses are being decorated with beautiful lights and are warmed by ovens which churn out delightful...
Not too long ago I told you a few reasons why I no longer take bookings as Santa Claus and I promised to reveal more as we came closer to Christmas. W...
TIMBUKTU, Dec 13th - Last night a car bomb exploded in front of the Timbuktu embassy in Chikata Rabula neighbourhood. No survivors, just meat. That's...
Welcome to the Journal. Today we look at the 10 most fascinating people according to the little world of Barbara Walters and bring it down to the comm...
As yet another Thanksgiving holiday arrives this week I find that I am becoming one of those people who marvels at how quickly the passage of time occ...
Clump-ching, clump-ching, clump-ching, clump-ching, ching-ching! (We hear the sounds of boots with both spurs jangling coming right up to us) Evenin ...
Having spent time with elves and St. Patricks Day leprechauns, its not a humongous leap for me to believe in Santa Claus! In the interest of full disc...
More than just a recent trend, more than some abstract that applies to certain cultures or religious traditions, monogamy, it seems, is on the outs wi...
With the cornucopia of personal information available today, sex matters! Sex matters because it touches every human life on earth. Some people are to...
Writing without pay is a touchy subject that has been discussed on numerous mailing lists to which I belong. More than once I have entered into a con...
Please send in your Relationship questions to craig@thecheers.org. All questions will be answered and featured in the "Love's Muse" segment.
After further generalizing of his "big picture" and his convictions, Bush altered his campaign theme of "War on Terrorism" to a much more general and ...
Hi everybody!steadysteady!! Relax. Please, I want to thank you for taking a moment to listen to this new idea. Ive looked around. Ive checked as many ...
My American government doesnt want me to vote. My first votes were for Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter! Ive felt bad about it ever since. These days, w...
There are certain things that come with the turf you inhabit! Im a comedian, and most people wont take me seriously. Now, in the realm of laughs, This...
We moved to the suburbs recently. One of those brand-new McMansioned, cul-de-sac'd, dropped-in-the-center-of-a-cornfield suburbs.
Hip-hop isnt something that springs to mind when most people think of Britain. In fact to some outsiders it is perhaps puzzling as to how we manage to...
I am fairly oblivious to the many disturbing things a person must endure as a student of the writing craft. Thankfully Ive been fortunate enough to ha...
A satirical and humorous look at the man conservatives dub one of the greatest chief executives to occupy the White House
The other day whilst observing my two-year old sister running terrified from a large balloon that was bouncing playfully along the carpet toward her, ...
As an entertainer I encounter performers most everywhere I go. Clowns are a strange group, which Im sure you can surmise.
A re-writing of the 10 Commandments Bill Bennett style following his revelations that he has a "gambling problem" This article was orignally printed i...
This short parody originally appeared in The Door. March/April 2001, reprinted in Glossy News. May 16, 2004
THE DNC PROUDLY PRESENTS
THE REV. JESSE ACTION JACKSON
VS.
THE REV. AL SHOWSTOPPER SHARPTON
THE RIGHTEOUS REVERENDS ARE READY TO RUMBLE!
LET THE ...
Five fictional fabulous queens are sent to make over the real life, Rt. Rev. Gene Robinson, a man, who became a lightning rod for international contro...
Ive spoken to therapists, victims of poor health care, lawyers and police spokesmen, public employees and politicians, and a vast number of people who...
Men are simple creatures, not unlike the animal that we are most often compared to, the dog. We eat. We sleep. We work. We play.
The Christian Sportsman Fellowship has joined forces with Disney. Effective immediately, they will be producing ESPN-2s Saturday morning outdoor sport...
I feel lousy. I'm not sure what the reason for that might be exactly. But I guess being always the SECOND one has its part in it. Second in everything...
Fathers Day is a day dedicated to celebrating fatherhood. It is the one special day out of the year when children & moms show their everlasting love, ...
Even though I spent a good amount of my childhood in Texas, Ive never been interested in the sports that are practiced in the American Rodeo.
Light Of The Quasar is the creation of an Australian columnist who is willing to talk about anything and everything.
Being a writer for an online publication I really have no idea who is reading my work or the other fine articles represented in The Cheers. I am not a...
"The Cheers is pleased to announce the new Computing Q&A section. In this section the readers can ask their computing related problems which may vary ...
While writing Id Like to ThankNobody for this weeks edition I began thinking about the awards Id received over the years. I still have my Outstanding ...
As this marks the end of my first month at The Cheers I feel as though I may just like this whole journalist/columnist/opinionated jerk thing. I enjo...
If your money printing bid'ness fell through, would you try engineering?
As an entertainer, I have been asked to work some rather unusual events. This is a story about the one that got away. I didnt turn down the gig. The c...
Recently, here in Chicago, a big to do was made about the destruction of the now infamous Bartman Baseball. For those who are unfamiliar with this rel...
I've been feeling like I really should see the movie The Passion of the Christ, but I just don't want to. This movie is such a phenomenon. I'm afraid...
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