How To Be Happy

Hi there. I'm Sally Simpson and I'll be your spiritual guide trying to help you to reach your happiness potential. I wanted to start writing this book earlier but my incompetent ex-husband told me I had to take care of our daughter for a week. I gave him full custody for a reason: I didn't want to see the little snot. But I'm stuck with her now.

So, you want to be happy. First, ask yourself why you want to be happy. Are you doing it for yourself or is it for some strange requirement of a cult? Don't do the bidding of a cult - or a gang - never kill anyone for a gang. They say that once you kill someone they'll let you join, but then three weeks go by and they don't call you. Then you meet one of the members at the grocery store and he makes up some lame excuse like I was busy or I lost my phone. Just don't join a gang.

Do you really think you're important enough to be happy? Some people, like the people who watch Star Trek, aren't important enough to be happy. That's why they are called Trekkies. Wait, no, I'm confused. The point is they're worthless.

Let's take a quiz to try to figure out why you're not happy.

Question 1:

When you feel sad you blame it on:

1) The world

2) Your parents

3) Your asshole, loser of a husband who goes off with his new girlfriend Karen and leaves you with Gracie, the freeloading brat


Question 2:

Who is your enemy?

1) Bad people

2) Satan

3) The dairy community, farmers, farm animals and generally farm related people and businesses


Question 3:

What is your favorite thing to do?

1) Ice Skate

2) Watch TV

3) Fantasize about Karen's untimely death and then having sex with Brad Pitt

I hope this quiz helped. Remember if you answered 1 to all the questions you are unhappy. If you answered 2 you're depressed and if you answered 3 you should just pick up some extra copies of my book (available in hardback and paperback $24.95 and $14.95 respectively at Barnes &Noble and Amazon) for your relatives because obviously they're depressed as well.


Chances are you are or you wouldn't be reading this book, you'd be out living your life, you loser. Have you ever listened to Michael Bolton? Then you're definitely suicidal. That was a joke. No, seriously I think he's a great singer...a real legend. National treasure, if you will.

Things to Keep far away from you if you're suicidal:

1) Guns

2) Knives

3) Rope of any kind

4) Pills

5) Michael Bolton CDs...oh come on, I'm kidding. I'm being silly.

6) Venomous snakes (that would be one hell of a way to kill yourself though, huh?)


Things to Keep Around:

1) My book

2) A friend

3) A cat

4) A daughter who isn't critical of everything you do and appreciates all that you do for her ungrateful little existence

5) Inspirational Quotes


Do you? I do. Give yourself a hug. Did that feel good? Did it make you feel gay because if it did you may have mental problems.

The key to loving yourself is lowering your expectations. This is also the key to finding love. Chances are you're not going to do anything great in your life, or anything even really exciting. Maybe you dreamed of being a Rockette, only to realize that you weren't tall enough and you begged your parents to get you surgery to make you taller but they wouldn't. In any event, you're going to be disappointed in yourself if you expect a lot. Just imagine nothing for yourself and if you get anything at all you'll feel really special. You won't actually be special. You'll just feel that way. Just because you feel special doesn't mean you are. It's all about relativity.

You also can't expect anyone else to love you because they will leave you for a younger woman with bigger breasts: maybe her name will be Karen maybe it won't. And as much as you want to beat her with a crowbar, you can't because the police would found out and then the two of them would win...


As I said before most of the time life is just one big bowl of shit. If you dream big you will fail and you will be depressed. That's why I like to practice taking pleasure in the little things. Like if I have a weekend where I don't have to take care of my daughter, Gracie, I'm very happy. I appreciate every moment without her. It's like when you have a cigarette, you appreciate every second of that cigarette in all its nicotine goodness. Of course, I love my daughter. She's the apple of my eye or some other shit. I don't know what the saying is. Whatever.


It's important to remember that no matter how shitty your life is, there are always people worse off. Just go downtown and see the people living in the gutter. Makes you feel better about your life, doesn't it? Unless you're one of the people living in the gutter, in which case, I'm not sure how you got a hold of this book. Did you steal it, you bastard? This book is not for free. It's for people who are struggling and sad, but they're not so bad off they can't afford a book.


It's time to set your scapegoat free. Whomever that may be: your mother, father, teacher, the Jews, whoever. Personally, I have no scapegoat. My parents are both actual jerks, my husband is a cradle robbing pig, and my daughter is a self righteous little brat. They are not scapegoats because they are actually the things I claim they are. It is an important distinction. But for people who are not so lucky as me (to be able to rightfully blame all their problems on other people) they must look in the mirror and say ‘hey! Who is that in the mirror, and why does he/she have that haircut? (In that case your hair stylist is not a scapegoat; they are just a bad stylist. But that is an entirely different book.) Realize that the key to your happiness may be in taking some of the responsibility for the problems in your life. Your mailman didn't force you to become an alcoholic, the man who sold you your car didn't encourage you to pop out five kids, and your physical education teacher in high school didn't force you to perform sex acts on him...well maybe...and that could very well be a source of your depression. Another problem solved by me.


To be honest, this book was supposed to have seven parts, but as it turns out, I don't have as much to say as I thought I did. There was just not as much information on happiness for me to depart as I thought there would be. This could be because I am currently addicted to the wonderful prescription medication "Gladidespairoxyl" and I can no longer ‘feel things.' But I don't think that's why. I think it's because I feel so in touch with you, the reader, whoever the hell you are, that it's almost like we don't need to say anything. It's kind of like "wink, wink, nod, nod...yeah, yeah, you get what I'm saying." You just know what it is I'm saying and we really don't need to actually say it out loud, or write it...in the case of this book, ya know? And to be honest when my agent came to me with this book idea, I thought great, I'll bang out a book, pocket some cash and head to Baja with my houseboy Jose: but that is not what happened. It turned into actual work. I'm supposed to think of actual solutions to why people aren't happy. Like I have any idea! I'm not a licensed psychiatrist or anything, I'm an ex-cheerleader from Jersey who somehow got to write a book, and by write I mean I chose my ghostwriter very carefully, and Anita did a great job working on the book while I sipped some cocktails. She was concerned that I was drinking while she was writing. Who the hell writes at 7 am?


People, at this point I'm just winging it. I have no idea. Actually, I'm writing this from a cave in Tajikistan on a typewriter from the early twentieth century. The most frustrating part is when I make a mistake. It's really complicated to erase. But isn't that a great metaphor for life...wait, maybe that's a bad metaphor.


This doesn't really relate to anything, it's just my favorite line form Titanic. Isn't Leonardo Di Caprio a genius? I just love him. He's great. Anyway, I'm pretty sure by this point, that this book will never be published. But that's okay. Really, right now my biggest concern is my involuntary marriage to the Tajikistani man who, unbeknownst to me was also living in the same cave I've been staying in. And, apparently, according to Tajik law if a man and woman cohabit the same area (i.e. cave), they must get married. This is, I guess, a non-negotiable. I'm sure Kaikhosrow and I and his seven other wives will be very happy. And there is the point of this whole book. And a good opportunity for me, as Kaikhosrow is asleep with the sheep and goat, to try to escape.