Hi there. I'm Sally Simpson and I'll be your spiritual guide trying to help you to reach your happiness potential. I wanted to start writing this book earlier but my incompetent ex-husband told me I had to take care of our daughter for a week. I gave him full custody for a reason: I didn't want to see the little snot. ... continue reading

A how-to guide for leaving a spectacular message on someone’s answering machine…or at least not getting slapped with a restraining order as the result of it.
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Let’s face it, when we hear that beep sometimes we’re not ready with what we want to say. That’s where this guide comes in. I recently had a woman who sh... continue reading

Humphrey, the Goat with a Hernia

Humphrey, the goat with a Hernia got out of bed one Saturday morning. His doctor told him that lifting weights would make his hernia worse, but Humphrey chose to ignore Dr. Duck and lifted weights anyway. Once again, as it had happened every day that week, his organs and tissue began... continue reading

The following conversation took place between 4:43 and 4:44 pm at a bus stop between a probably insane person and someone who did not want to hear his crazy rant. Why has this conversation been transcribed? Because we at the Union of Transcribers of America don’t have a lot of things to transcribe anymore so we get bor... continue reading

Machine: Hey, it’s Jesus. You know what to do. *beep*
 
Hey Jesus, it’s Moses. Are we still playing racquet ball on Saturday? You haven’t called me so I wasn’t sure. Hey whatever happened to your old message? It was funny. I liked that. Anyway, get back to me. *beep*
 
Jesus? Is this you? This is your mo... continue reading