If Voting Made A Difference, It Would Be Illegal

Never before in America have we needed so much from a leader and been happy to accept so little. If I were to apply for a job with Starbucks I would be asked more sensible questions. Someone who met me for a brief moment, like Joe the Plumber, would not be weighing in on what they thought of my character. And once I answered a question, I would not be repeatedly asked the same question over and over again. But I'm not running for President, I just want to be a barista.

The debates were the one main opportunity for us to witness the differences and similarities between the only two choices that might actually win the coveted position. There were more candidates out there, but unless Nader found Warren Buffet's wallet, they were so far on the periphery that their existence was mere speculation. Debate One featured McCain saying the word Maverick like it was going out of style, which it was, as the Maverick family warned McCain not to tarnish their family name any more. Rumour had it that the guy who invented the toilet, John Crapper, asked him not to use the name John anymore. McDonalds, persisted in him removing the Mc from his name. And Cain is a biblical character who killed his brother for some notoriety, and that still seems apt.

For a guy that keeps talking about how he knows how to reach across the aisle, he reminded me less of guy who was willing to work out agreements, and more like my dad who always said that his arm could reach across the back seat.

There seems to be a seesaw selection of Presidents with the Fat Republicans being heavier on the See, rather than the Skinnier Democrats on the Saw. Reagan/Bush 8 years, Bush/Quayle 4 years, Clinton/Gore 8 Years, Bush/Cheney 8 years. It seems like it is time for the Democrats to win. Time to inherit the worst economy, environmental failures and greatest social divide since the Civil War. Maybe it's time for the Republicans to lose. Maybe in the Star Chamber where the real decisions are made, the 50-year plan has the Democrats taking the reigns. So how does a national party lose on purpose?

If I wanted to lose and let the other side take their turn dealing with the biggest mess since Ishtar, I would nominate a guy who looks like he's about to die and compliment him with a running mate whose portfolio is skinnier then your average Junior Statesmen of America. But at the last moment if I wanted to win, deciding it's better to be king of the s***hill than no king at all, I would rig the voting machines in swing states. You don't have to rig the voting machines in the rest of the country, because their votes just don't count!

In California, if every citizen voted for Boris the Spider, Obama would still win--by a constitutionally driven mindbender called the Electoral College. Yet, like magical lemmings drawn to the edge of a cliff, believing they could fly--citizens wave flags, wear buttons and chant candidate's names as if it mattered. If truly concerned we would learn about local initiatives and city council members, but that would be too much work.

For two years we have had the most motley crew of candidates paraded before us in HD--warts, blemishes, peccadillos, latent rage, and raging hormones (or at least high doses of Viagra) for us all to ogle, snicker and snarf at. Is it any wonder that the Average Joe/Jane Six-Pack Plumber is numified to feeling anything but pre-conditioned scorn at the opposing team? "I don't like you cuz yer different then me."

What if Obama is a Muslim? America is supposed to have a separation between Church and state, I suppose that includes Mosques and Temples. Why did he have to renounce his association with Reverend Wright? The white man is the devil! We did deserve to be bitch-slapped--we hadn't been bitch-slapped since Pearl Harbor, it was overdue. Knowing a Weatherman is cool. Snorting coke is something many people can relate to.

To be president, he's supposed to renounce, renounce, renounce! At least he can pronounce, that's a step up! Remember Robert Redford at the beginning of The Candidate? Morals, ideals, reality--by the end he was bought and sold. I'm Jewish and I'd rather have a Muslim president who tells the truth then a born-again president who lies through his teeth. But Obama has waffled so much he should be served at IHOP. I oppose drilling. I accept drilling. I oppose nuclear power plants. I accept nuclear power plants. I'm a candidate who wants to create peaceful relationships abroad. I want to invade Pakistan and Afghanistan and kill Osama. What?

Instead of the 97% of the country bailing out the 3% of the elite, like we have for 200 years, Obama wants to flip it, so more of the burden falls on the rich instead of the poor. So, now he's a communist? I'm all for it. Because I want cheap education and health care I suppose that makes me some sort of "ist" as well. A real-ist!

George Washington got paid $100,000 to be president, spent a huge portion of it on booze, got some pretty ivory teeth and bought leopard pelts for his horses. He was a pimp. You know you're a pimp when the money you get paid with has your picture on it. The rich have always ran the show. I want to believe in Obama, but Clinton made a lot of promises as well.

I have always had a mantra when it came to election time—"If voting made a difference it would be illegal." The reason we have a two-party state is so when things get really bad we don't take to the street with M16s, baseball bats and potato shooters. Instead we vote, and by voting we believe we make a difference. Dorothy said it best when she wished she was in Kansas, me I wish I were in Minnesota, voting for Al Franken and slinging Joe, with health benefits.