Dark Harvest

Dark Harvest

DVD

*

Jeanie Cheek

Jessica Dunphy

R

90 mins

You know, I always have to wonder about a movie with an opening screen that is really nothing more than the computer box art. I've seen some truly creative opening menus, Jeepers Creepers 2 foremost among them, but I always have to wonder about a movie that can't get any more imaginative than to use its box art.

Dark Harvest, from prolific releaser Lions Gate Home Entertainment, starts off surprisingly well ... and accurately. Black-and-white pictures, newspaper shots, and a voiceover of Franklin D. Roosevelt discussing the Dust Bowl in the heartland.

Carson County, West Virginia, is in the middle of a drought. But on one

farm, things are going surprisingly well. The corn is high and green. But the farm's owner seems to be having some trouble with the law, and we quickly discover just why his fields are doing so well. Seems this farmer irrigates his fields with human blood, and leaves the desiccated corpses hanging as scarecrows in his field. Justice comes to end his reign of agrarian terror, but not before he manages to kill the local sheriff.

Fast forward a few dozen years to the always amorphous time period known as "the present". Our blood-soaked farmer had a son, and now that the elder is dead, the son, Connell, has been deeded the family farm. You know, the one soaked in blood!

I can see this kid now, "Jeepers, pop! Thanks for leaving me the farm where you killed a whole bunch of people to use as dry wells!"

Our boy shows some sense. He has zero plans to go to see the house and land, believing it best to "let sleeping dogs lie". But, of course, we can't very

well do that or else there would be no movie. So Connell's girlfriend nags him into going, and they invite a few of their friends along for good measure.

Connell, you dumb schmuck!

So, here we go ... off to set up the same horror movie we've all seen a dozen times. Right down to the same old shopkeeper warning the party of college-age kids about the evils of wherever it is they're going.

Something original better happen here, and soon, or else Lion's Gate is gonna hate this review.

One of Connell's neighbors, Maggie, gives us the entire back-story and tells

Connell that he'd do well to leave before "this comes full circle". Connell, of

course, pays no attention, and when he turns his back - and looks back - Maggie's no longer there. Somehow, this woman, who looks like a badly-baked loaf of bread and must weigh a conservative estimate of two hundred eighty pounds, has vanished in seconds.

What's next? The barn? Just as likely!

Ah, but not only did our farmer friend irrigate his field with blood, he's also

made a ... wait for it ... deal with the Devil!

Wow. This movie's got more clichés per square inch than the last Republican party rally.

Ironically, folks, irrigating a field with blood would never work. Human blood contains several trace ingredients, not least of them salt. Spray salt over a field of corn and you may as well set fire to it.

But better yet, one of our little bodies-to-be has a strange feeling that

the scarecrows are a little upwardly mobile ... and getting closer to the house. Ladies and gentlemen, we've done it. The scarecrows are officially revolting, and they've killed the lesbian. With a sickle. This movie's percentage of original content is now measurable in single digits.

And you know, every time I see these scarecrows wander around I'm filled with an irresistible compulsion to whistle "Turkey in the Straw". Perhaps it's a commentary on how utterly ludicrous I find these poor dumb things, but hey, what can you do?

Finally, this poor excuse for a movie ends. And it ends in a manner so insulting that you'll wish you hadn't seen it. It's a clip show ending, giving you a montage of scenes you just finished watching not less than an hour and a half ago, with the voiceover of constant screaming.

We get, among other things in our extras, some blooper footage that is almost as bad as the movie itself was. We also get English subtitles for a change, as well as trailers for Dark Harvest, The Punisher, Godsend, Nine Lives, Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed, SICK and Serial Killing 101.

If only they'd put as much thought and effort into the movie....

So, all in all, Dark Harvest is yet another predictable hack-n-slay with

predictable characters, predictable villains and predictable reaction from the

audience - yawning, with a vague sensation that they just wasted three dollars and an hour and a half of their lives.