Welcome to Loves Muse an advice column on Love, Sex, Relationships and everything else in the middle. This advice column will serve as an outlet for the readers to ask questions that they just cant quite make sense of. I only have one stipulation, if you write to Loves Muse, be prepared to hear honesty from me, I dont try to sugar coat explanations, I will give you the hard cold truth. Please enjoy the column, I look forward to hearing from you. Write you questions to, craig@thecheers.org, Craig
Dear Craig,
It all started about a couple of months ago when I met this Italian guy through another friend of mine. It wasn't the lust that drew me close to him (though I admit that he is drop dead gorgeous) but it was his simplicity, caring attitude and a constant smile on his face that made me feel I wanted to be with him always. Well, those are just my feelings. I obviously haven't been able to figure out if he is gay himself. At times, certain instances have made me feel about him that way though. He has asked me a number of times if I would like to watch movies with him. Never any other male straight friends of mine have ever proposed that. One night at a party that almost had 9/10 guys, I somehow felt he wanted to stay close to me. After the very same party when he was drunk, I offered him a ride in my car, which was to be driven by the common friend of ours. Well, I was in the front passenger seat and he was in the back seat. After a while he started to play with my hair, rub my shoulders and touch my face.
I allowed him to continue for a while but then I had to ask him to stop, which he did.
Well, the things are confusing to me. I don't know how am I supposed to approach this whole issue. How do I find that he likes me (if he likes me at all)? The instances that I have described above, do they reflect anything at all? I have talked to him after all this a number of times but it doesn't seem like he remembers anything about the party and stuff. Did he do that just because he was drunk? He doesn't even seem to acknowledge my presence in front of other people or never initiates a conversation - it's me who has to do it every time. Directly/indirectly I have asked him if he got any girlfriends and he has agreed to it but with some hesitation and has always ended the discussion even before it started. So, I am totally lost and confused. I am trying to keep every possible option open, I mean if it has to go the positive way or negative way, I am ready to accept anything. From my side, all I have done is extended my hands of friendship with him so that if all this is not true, at least he doesn't get the wrong impression.
Please advice what I should do? I shall truly
appreciate it!
Thank you,
Anuj
Dear Anju
There was a very popular "Sex and The City" episode where they talked about the "Straight Gay Man" and this definitely sounds like good description of your friend. The "Straight Gay Man" is Heterosexual, but has many Homosexual tendencies. As for him playing in your hair and massaging your shoulders, sounds like he was walking that thin line of no return and until you stopped it, no telling how far he would have went. Later on in this reply, I will address the issue more in depth. Of course the only true way to find out if he is interested in men, is if he comes out of the closet to you. My philosophy on the whole issue is if you don't tell me you're gay personally, I don't assume it.
For some reason when straight men drink or get high, their guards are let down and they tend to be more flirtatious with a gay man. My own personal belief is that they are just expressing feelings that they have already had, and they are using the alcohol or drugs as an excuse for why they are behaving in the way they are. People for some
strange reason think what they do while inebriated is ok and can be easily forgotten, which by the way seems to be the card that your friend is playing.
There is a possibility that this guy may just have bisexual tendencies, or he could be curious, or he could've been pissy drunk and just wanted to see how far you would let him go. Men love to have attention just as females do, and i'm sure he wouldve loved for you to fawn over him, giving him the power to reject you. But once again this is just another opinion. I can't say for sure, because nothing is written in stone. What I will give you is a few suggestions on how to play along with this guy and find out if he is truly into you.
1. Ask the person that introduced you to him if he has ever known him to have a girlfriend or if he has a girlfriend because you know a woman at work who would be perfect for him. Or of course you can just ask the guy this as well.
2. Keep rejecting him whenever he touches you or plays with you (especially when he is drunk) and see what happens, the mere fact that you ignore him might eat him alive until he tells you the truth.
3. Talk about other guys that you are dating or seeing around him and see how he responds, he could just be curious about the gay lifestyle and take to your stories like a Harry Potter Book.
4. You said he asked you out to he movies; go along with him and just as if he was another one of your friends and just roll with the moment, as you said earlier you're also trying to see if he could turn out to be a good friend or not.
5. In the end, leave your emotions out of it, and just let the situation play out, although it can be hard sometimes, you need to protect our feelings. Stay strong and remember YOU are in control of this situation.
Please keep us updated and let us know how things work out.
Craig
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Craig
There's a man that I really like a lot. I believe I even love him. He's a fantastic person with a great attitude. We have lots in common, and we enjoy talking and just spending time together. He's one of the few men I've met that I think I might be able to live with and create a home. I've mostly always lived alone and have had few experiences with living with a man - longest was for about 2 years and that relationship wasn't a very healthy relationship, lacking monogamy and trust. But with this man, I really would like to work at making having something permanent. I'd be a fool to let him out of my life. He's very relationship oriented and has been in two long-term relationships, one for 8 years, the other for 6 years. He's very open in his communication and very much geared towards one-on-one. I, myself, have a long history of having casual and anonymous sex. When I was very young, I was molested in a men's restroom. This lead to 10+ years of repeating this behavior in restrooms and adult bookstores and other public and semi-public places. I eventually came to regard these places as inappropriate, but haven't been a complete saint in that regard. Last several years though, meeting men on the internet for sexual encounters has been a semi-regular part of my life, so I definitely still have tendencies to act out sexually with men I have no emotional connection with. The man I've been seeing knows this stuff about me and is willing to be with me while I work through this - he believes what we could have is worth it. But I wish I knew why I would risk jeopardizing a great friendship and potential relationship for meaningless, casual sex. Why can some men not give in to sexual urges that are counter to their life goals, but other men, like myself, seem to fail in their control? Any feedback you give would be appreciated. Thanks. Map_n_az
Dear Map_n_az
I have thought about your conflict, and have the following suggestions. First of all its very obvious that you want this relationship to work, because you are being open and honest about the conflicts that you are having. Most people would have either destroyed the relationship on purpose, or continued with the relationship and still cheated on the side. In your case you are interested in making this relationship work and interested in closing a part of your life that would not work in a relationship.
What I like to believe happened in the past stays in the past, so the fact that you stated that you had a history of casual and anonymous sex, doesn't mean that you have to continue with that in your relationship, nor does it make you have to behave a certain way in a relationship. You need to realize that the behavior was in a point in your life when you possibly didn't know what real love was and so that is how you lived your life, but now that you have found real love and a partner that you want to share your life with, you need to realize that what you will gain in a monogamous relationship is a hundred times better then what you would ever get in casual and anonymous sex. Think about participating with your partner in some of the areas that you like to have sex in, although this could be dangerous and unsafe, it just might still fulfill the thrill that you could receive from partaking in sexual acts in these locations. You did state that you believe that this behavior stemmed from a molestation that you survived as a very young boy, for that I would suggest therapy. I am not educated on dealing with that type of mental grief. Know that there is nothing wrong with seeking out therapy to deal with issues that faced us in the past or in the present. A therapist could help you gain the confidence to move on from that experience and put some closure to it.
You asked the million-dollar question, "Why can some men not give into sexual urges"! I think if I knew this question, I would be able to retire at an early age. Honestly I just don't know, I believe personally that it is somewhat part biological, I think men are genetically inclined to want to spread their seeds around, making their sexual urges too powerful to control. But then I'm sure your wondering about Gay men, when there is no reproduction in the picture. I still think that just because we may be attracted to the same sex, that same genetic urge to spread our seeds around is still there, and is heightened when two men are involved. But as I stated before its only my opinion. I wouldn't think less about myself, because you may consider yourself one of the millions that can't control their sexual urges, just know that wanting to change that is the First and MOST important step.
I honestly believe that you do not wish to risk the possibility of a wonderful relationship with this gentleman for casual or anonymous sex, you want this to work and I know that if you put your mind to it you will make it happen. Please keep us updated and let us know how things work out.
Craig
Dear Craig,
It all started about a couple of months ago when I met this Italian guy through another friend of mine. It wasn't the lust that drew me close to him (though I admit that he is drop dead gorgeous) but it was his simplicity, caring attitude and a constant smile on his face that made me feel I wanted to be with him always. Well, those are just my feelings. I obviously haven't been able to figure out if he is gay himself. At times, certain instances have made me feel about him that way though. He has asked me a number of times if I would like to watch movies with him. Never any other male straight friends of mine have ever proposed that. One night at a party that almost had 9/10 guys, I somehow felt he wanted to stay close to me. After the very same party when he was drunk, I offered him a ride in my car, which was to be driven by the common friend of ours. Well, I was in the front passenger seat and he was in the back seat. After a while he started to play with my hair, rub my shoulders and touch my face.
I allowed him to continue for a while but then I had to ask him to stop, which he did.
Well, the things are confusing to me. I don't know how am I supposed to approach this whole issue. How do I find that he likes me (if he likes me at all)? The instances that I have described above, do they reflect anything at all? I have talked to him after all this a number of times but it doesn't seem like he remembers anything about the party and stuff. Did he do that just because he was drunk? He doesn't even seem to acknowledge my presence in front of other people or never initiates a conversation - it's me who has to do it every time. Directly/indirectly I have asked him if he got any girlfriends and he has agreed to it but with some hesitation and has always ended the discussion even before it started. So, I am totally lost and confused. I am trying to keep every possible option open, I mean if it has to go the positive way or negative way, I am ready to accept anything. From my side, all I have done is extended my hands of friendship with him so that if all this is not true, at least he doesn't get the wrong impression.
Please advice what I should do? I shall truly
appreciate it!
Thank you,
Anuj
Dear Anju
There was a very popular "Sex and The City" episode where they talked about the "Straight Gay Man" and this definitely sounds like good description of your friend. The "Straight Gay Man" is Heterosexual, but has many Homosexual tendencies. As for him playing in your hair and massaging your shoulders, sounds like he was walking that thin line of no return and until you stopped it, no telling how far he would have went. Later on in this reply, I will address the issue more in depth. Of course the only true way to find out if he is interested in men, is if he comes out of the closet to you. My philosophy on the whole issue is if you don't tell me you're gay personally, I don't assume it.
For some reason when straight men drink or get high, their guards are let down and they tend to be more flirtatious with a gay man. My own personal belief is that they are just expressing feelings that they have already had, and they are using the alcohol or drugs as an excuse for why they are behaving in the way they are. People for some
strange reason think what they do while inebriated is ok and can be easily forgotten, which by the way seems to be the card that your friend is playing.
There is a possibility that this guy may just have bisexual tendencies, or he could be curious, or he could've been pissy drunk and just wanted to see how far you would let him go. Men love to have attention just as females do, and i'm sure he wouldve loved for you to fawn over him, giving him the power to reject you. But once again this is just another opinion. I can't say for sure, because nothing is written in stone. What I will give you is a few suggestions on how to play along with this guy and find out if he is truly into you.
1. Ask the person that introduced you to him if he has ever known him to have a girlfriend or if he has a girlfriend because you know a woman at work who would be perfect for him. Or of course you can just ask the guy this as well.
2. Keep rejecting him whenever he touches you or plays with you (especially when he is drunk) and see what happens, the mere fact that you ignore him might eat him alive until he tells you the truth.
3. Talk about other guys that you are dating or seeing around him and see how he responds, he could just be curious about the gay lifestyle and take to your stories like a Harry Potter Book.
4. You said he asked you out to he movies; go along with him and just as if he was another one of your friends and just roll with the moment, as you said earlier you're also trying to see if he could turn out to be a good friend or not.
5. In the end, leave your emotions out of it, and just let the situation play out, although it can be hard sometimes, you need to protect our feelings. Stay strong and remember YOU are in control of this situation.
Please keep us updated and let us know how things work out.
Craig
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Craig
There's a man that I really like a lot. I believe I even love him. He's a fantastic person with a great attitude. We have lots in common, and we enjoy talking and just spending time together. He's one of the few men I've met that I think I might be able to live with and create a home. I've mostly always lived alone and have had few experiences with living with a man - longest was for about 2 years and that relationship wasn't a very healthy relationship, lacking monogamy and trust. But with this man, I really would like to work at making having something permanent. I'd be a fool to let him out of my life. He's very relationship oriented and has been in two long-term relationships, one for 8 years, the other for 6 years. He's very open in his communication and very much geared towards one-on-one. I, myself, have a long history of having casual and anonymous sex. When I was very young, I was molested in a men's restroom. This lead to 10+ years of repeating this behavior in restrooms and adult bookstores and other public and semi-public places. I eventually came to regard these places as inappropriate, but haven't been a complete saint in that regard. Last several years though, meeting men on the internet for sexual encounters has been a semi-regular part of my life, so I definitely still have tendencies to act out sexually with men I have no emotional connection with. The man I've been seeing knows this stuff about me and is willing to be with me while I work through this - he believes what we could have is worth it. But I wish I knew why I would risk jeopardizing a great friendship and potential relationship for meaningless, casual sex. Why can some men not give in to sexual urges that are counter to their life goals, but other men, like myself, seem to fail in their control? Any feedback you give would be appreciated. Thanks. Map_n_az
Dear Map_n_az
I have thought about your conflict, and have the following suggestions. First of all its very obvious that you want this relationship to work, because you are being open and honest about the conflicts that you are having. Most people would have either destroyed the relationship on purpose, or continued with the relationship and still cheated on the side. In your case you are interested in making this relationship work and interested in closing a part of your life that would not work in a relationship.
What I like to believe happened in the past stays in the past, so the fact that you stated that you had a history of casual and anonymous sex, doesn't mean that you have to continue with that in your relationship, nor does it make you have to behave a certain way in a relationship. You need to realize that the behavior was in a point in your life when you possibly didn't know what real love was and so that is how you lived your life, but now that you have found real love and a partner that you want to share your life with, you need to realize that what you will gain in a monogamous relationship is a hundred times better then what you would ever get in casual and anonymous sex. Think about participating with your partner in some of the areas that you like to have sex in, although this could be dangerous and unsafe, it just might still fulfill the thrill that you could receive from partaking in sexual acts in these locations. You did state that you believe that this behavior stemmed from a molestation that you survived as a very young boy, for that I would suggest therapy. I am not educated on dealing with that type of mental grief. Know that there is nothing wrong with seeking out therapy to deal with issues that faced us in the past or in the present. A therapist could help you gain the confidence to move on from that experience and put some closure to it.
You asked the million-dollar question, "Why can some men not give into sexual urges"! I think if I knew this question, I would be able to retire at an early age. Honestly I just don't know, I believe personally that it is somewhat part biological, I think men are genetically inclined to want to spread their seeds around, making their sexual urges too powerful to control. But then I'm sure your wondering about Gay men, when there is no reproduction in the picture. I still think that just because we may be attracted to the same sex, that same genetic urge to spread our seeds around is still there, and is heightened when two men are involved. But as I stated before its only my opinion. I wouldn't think less about myself, because you may consider yourself one of the millions that can't control their sexual urges, just know that wanting to change that is the First and MOST important step.
I honestly believe that you do not wish to risk the possibility of a wonderful relationship with this gentleman for casual or anonymous sex, you want this to work and I know that if you put your mind to it you will make it happen. Please keep us updated and let us know how things work out.
Craig
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