Dealing With Valentine's Day in a New Relationship

The first few weeks after you start dating a new person are the most delicate. On the one hand, you're past the awkward first date stage, but you might not be in full relationship mode. You like them, but you're also still feeling them out to see if there is any long-term potential.

If you start dating each other around Valentine's Day, then it gets really problematic. Go too big, and you could come across as moving too fast. Go too small, and you could end up relegated to the friend zone. And don't even think about ignoring the day, because that could be a recipe for disaster.

So, how do you handle the most romantic of holidays, when your relationship is so new that you're not even sure it's a relationship at all?


The best thing that you can do is talk about it. You don't have to define your relationship at this point, but it is a good idea to find out how you both feel about Valentine's Day, and what you each expect. After all, the day is going to come whether you like it or not. Rather than stress about what you should do, find out for sure what each of you really wants.

You don't have to make a big deal out of it, you could simply say "Hey, Valentine's Day is coming up. I was wondering how you felt about that?"

Talking about it gives you the added benefit of learning being able to learn more about the person that you're dating. You might find out that she's a hopeless romantic who really likes a big show, or you might discover that she hate's Valentine's Day with the fire of a thousand white-hot suns.


There are those who believe that the proper way to celebrate the day is to surprise each other with the perfect outing and the perfect gift. The problem is that you don't really know each other, so you have no idea what the perfect anything is at this point.

You should plan this Valentine's Day together and leave the surprises for next year, after you have gotten to know one another better.

While you are having that conversation about your concerns for Valentine's Day, that's an excellent time to also throw around ideas for what you might do on that day.

For example, you might both feel that it's too soon in your relationship for a candlelight dinner at a high-end restaurant, but might both enjoy the hipster-ish irony of the candlelight dinner at White Castle. On the other hand, you might find that your senses of humor clash and that White Castle would go over like a lead balloon.

If you actually plan the day together, you'll know that in advance, rather than end up with a date that is disappointed or angry because she was expecting something else. For that matter, by planning the day together, you can also discover a lot about each other.

For example, you might discover that she is more comfortable having you take the lead in planning things, or you could discover that she is very comfortable taking an active role in the planning process. You will also discover how you feel about either scenario.


Just because you plan the day together doesn't mean you can't have any surprises. For example, you might consider sending her some Valentine's Day ecards just to let her know that you're thinking about her and looking forward to seeing her that evening.

Another option is to wait until that evening to give her a small, romantic gift like flowers, candy, or a stuffed animal. Or, you could give her something that you know she's interested in, but isn't necessarily traditionally romantic.

For example, if you know that she's a Dr. Who fan, you could get her a Tardis tea infuser. If you're not really sure what she's into, you could find out if she has an Amazon wish list and give her an item from there.

You could also post something on her wall in Facebook, or send her a private message.

The point is to do something small, and sweet, that she's not expecting, and that lets her know that you're interested in knowing more about her.


The bottom line is that Valentine's Day doesn't have to be stressful, and it also doesn't have to be entirely your responsibility to pull it off.

If you communicate with each other, plan the day together, Valentine's Day is a great opportunity for you to get to know each other better. In some ways, Valentine's Day could actually be one of the best days in your relationship.