Decision 08: Bad-name calling and early voting plans stir the political pot

CHICAGO -- Name-calling and Primary contest contests highlight the past week in the road to the White House for 2008.

First, the fun stuff, and that can only mean the resurfacing of Ann Coulter. The Sara Silverman of the political scene, though most agree not nearly as sexy, Ms. Coulter made headlines last week when she referred to Presidential-candidate John Edwards as a "faggot." At least that was all anyone heard her call Edwards when she spoke before fellow conservatives.

"I'd swear she also called him a 'scummy maggot,'" said a conservative in the crowd that day to feast on the free raw vegetables served as part of a delicious spread of nibbling delights, catered by RaPaw Stevenson.

"She was still whispering all sorts of vile names as she walked off the stage," said another observer. "I'm not an Edwards follower but I think maybe Ms. Coulter wants his child and is venting her frustration for not being able to squeeze John's thighs with her big mouth."

A number of Republicans, 34 at last count, including Republican-Presidential candidates Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney condemned Coulter's comments. Giuliani said, "The funny thing is that where I come from, New York City, people call each other that every five seconds and no one thinks a thing of it. In fact, I have been called that word many times, in public, in private, and certainly while downing a Nathan's hot dog near Times Square."

Romney said, "I always thought the word had but one 'g' so what is positive about this is that something so negative can spawn a learning experience."

Democratic candidates also responded.

Mrs. Clinton said, "That was a real 'opps' thing to say."

Barak Obama said, "That will come back to haunt her in the shape of a huge green gorilla that will hover over her bed at night. During naps, however, she will not have nightmares about it."

New Mexico Gov. Dick Richardson said, "Am I still running?"

Edwards responded with no rancor in public while the incident is said to have ignited the endorsements of actors Paul Bartel, Nathan Lane and George Takei.

While the name-calling incident got the attention of the press, states around the country have been clamoring to change the dates of their Primaries. The hubub does not affect the traditional first two contests on the docket, Iowa and New Hampshire, just all the other states.

"We want Pennsylvania to make a difference in the process of choosing a candidate for the party," said Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell between hamburgers at Wendy's.

That is the feeling of many states, all of them fighting for a spot on a massive Primary-election day, Feb. 5, 2008. However, there are still states looking to close the gap between New Hampshire's test and Feb. 5.

A spokesman for the Democratic party who refused to be identified for fear that his boss would dock him a month's pay for speaking to the press, said, "Connecticut and New Jersey are secretly shooting for Jan. 3 and Florida wants to have a combination New Year's Eve Party-Primary after midnight on Jan. 1."

With Primaries ending earlier than ever, both parties could have a nominee in March, 2008, four months before their conventions.

"This is bad," said William Spokeseven, a politcal scientist once recommended for knighthood in Great Britain, which failed because he never lived in the country, "because it would mean the public would be sick of both candidates by the general election and everyone would stay home. I would. Wouldn't you?"

But a recent poll showed that no one would ever sicken of Barak Obama.

"We polled over three thousand people," said national pollster G. Read Summons, "and only one-half of one percent said they would ever become sick of Barak Obama, even if he lost the Presidential race. In fact, over eighty percent of those polled said they would like Obama to make low-budget romantic movies while he was President and that his face should go onto the one-dollar bill along with George Washington's face. This would make the one-dollar bill the only U.S. tender with two heads depicted on its front."