On the 16th anniversary of my mother's death, I found myself filled with depression. Why this year? Why after all this time was the pain still there? Most importantly, I asked myself, "Will it ever go away?"
I thought I had survived the pain of the loss. After all, it had been sixteen years since the death of my mother. Besides, three years before I had filled the void left by her death with the birth of my grandson on the third anniversary of her death. Do not be fooled by those who tell you the pain will go away it never does.
For many years, I tried to put the memory out of my mind, the events of July 28, 1988. Sometimes I was able to occupy my mind with other things, but for some reason this year was different. As I woke up that morning and thought of it being my grandsons third birthday, I also thought of my mother. I dressed for work and as I drove the half hour or so, I couldnt get it out of my mind. I thought of all the things that had happened in my life and how different it would be if she were here. Maybe everyone does that, but it had been years since Id thought like that, and I had to ask: why this year? Why have I suddenly become haunted by the memory of the woman who gave birth to me and to whom I owe my entire way of thinking? Maybe its because I am getting old, and now am only seven years younger than she was upon her death. Maybe its because I look around at two great-grandchildren she never knew, though I know she is looking down upon them from Heaven.
How much did her death really change my life? The first major sign was a deep depression, which just wouldnt go away. It certainly didnt help that my husband thought as soon as the funeral was over things should return to normal. He was never there for me or for our girls, then 12, 6, and 3. The youngest didnt fare too badly because she was too young, and even today doesnt remember much about her, but the other two became victims in their own way, burying themselves in alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes to drown their sorrows. It was years before they could accept it, especially the oldest because she helped take care of Mom in the year or so before her death.
How do you deal with pain so deep? What could have been done to make it easier on everyone? Ive learned so much since then and realize now the major thing all of us lacked was grief counseling. I was too caught up in my own grief to think of it, and my husband was too unfeeling to care. You see, hes one of these people that lives by the analogy: If it isnt going to kill me, I dont worry about it. He didnt shed a tear when his own father and later his mother passed away. Ive never in the 35 years Ive known him ever seen him close to shedding a tear, not even when our daughter got married two years ago. He tells me its because of the way he had to live his life and his military training, but thats just an excuse. Hell, when I left him in 1995 instead of being unhappy about it, he blamed all of the girls problems on that, never accepting that he had any part of the hell in which I had been living for many years before that. My point here is you have to be sensitive to the needs of others and know when help is needed. Some people can handle it without intervention and others need professional help. I look back to those painful days, and I know there was much support lacking both for me and for the girls, the ones who needed it most. Perhaps I am partly to blame, but I was so caught up in my own grief that I couldnt be of help to them. In fact, about all I could do was get up and go to work; beyond that I wasnt very good at functioning in life.
What does a person do when faced with this situation? My doctor told me then there were four stages of grief: denial, depression, anger, and acceptance in that order. In my case they went out of order. I knew my mothers sister had called the night before she died and there had been an argument. My mother already had high blood pressure, and her death was the result of complications of hypertension. In the minds of both my sister and me she killed our mother because she was always doing something to agitate her in spite of her medical condition. Therefore, my first reaction was not denial, but anger; anger at the woman who had caused her death. Perhaps the fact that my pattern was out of the normal scope of the stages of grief is why I still have not recovered fully, and Im sure Ill never find out at this late date. Besides, how does one remember back 16 years and try to envision what they were thinking?
So, what is the purpose of this? Where am I leading you with this confession? I want you to understand that everyone hurts and everyone recovers in a different way. No one can tell you when its time to move forward, you have to make that decision for yourself. Also, and most importantly, things are not going to return to normal as soon as the funeral is over, and anyone who thinks it will is living in a fairytale. On the other hand, if you dont see recovery beginning reasonably soon, or find the depression becoming worse, see a grief counselor who will help you and your family through the healing process.
On the other end of the spectrum, for those who are fortunate enough to still have your parents, love them and treat them right. If you have a problem, work it out because remember: tomorrow may be too late. I thank God that there was nothing unsaid between my mother and me. We were close, and we both knew there was a bond that would never be broken. If not for that, Im sure that my pain would be much greater than it is.
2004
I thought I had survived the pain of the loss. After all, it had been sixteen years since the death of my mother. Besides, three years before I had filled the void left by her death with the birth of my grandson on the third anniversary of her death. Do not be fooled by those who tell you the pain will go away it never does.
For many years, I tried to put the memory out of my mind, the events of July 28, 1988. Sometimes I was able to occupy my mind with other things, but for some reason this year was different. As I woke up that morning and thought of it being my grandsons third birthday, I also thought of my mother. I dressed for work and as I drove the half hour or so, I couldnt get it out of my mind. I thought of all the things that had happened in my life and how different it would be if she were here. Maybe everyone does that, but it had been years since Id thought like that, and I had to ask: why this year? Why have I suddenly become haunted by the memory of the woman who gave birth to me and to whom I owe my entire way of thinking? Maybe its because I am getting old, and now am only seven years younger than she was upon her death. Maybe its because I look around at two great-grandchildren she never knew, though I know she is looking down upon them from Heaven.
How much did her death really change my life? The first major sign was a deep depression, which just wouldnt go away. It certainly didnt help that my husband thought as soon as the funeral was over things should return to normal. He was never there for me or for our girls, then 12, 6, and 3. The youngest didnt fare too badly because she was too young, and even today doesnt remember much about her, but the other two became victims in their own way, burying themselves in alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes to drown their sorrows. It was years before they could accept it, especially the oldest because she helped take care of Mom in the year or so before her death.
How do you deal with pain so deep? What could have been done to make it easier on everyone? Ive learned so much since then and realize now the major thing all of us lacked was grief counseling. I was too caught up in my own grief to think of it, and my husband was too unfeeling to care. You see, hes one of these people that lives by the analogy: If it isnt going to kill me, I dont worry about it. He didnt shed a tear when his own father and later his mother passed away. Ive never in the 35 years Ive known him ever seen him close to shedding a tear, not even when our daughter got married two years ago. He tells me its because of the way he had to live his life and his military training, but thats just an excuse. Hell, when I left him in 1995 instead of being unhappy about it, he blamed all of the girls problems on that, never accepting that he had any part of the hell in which I had been living for many years before that. My point here is you have to be sensitive to the needs of others and know when help is needed. Some people can handle it without intervention and others need professional help. I look back to those painful days, and I know there was much support lacking both for me and for the girls, the ones who needed it most. Perhaps I am partly to blame, but I was so caught up in my own grief that I couldnt be of help to them. In fact, about all I could do was get up and go to work; beyond that I wasnt very good at functioning in life.
What does a person do when faced with this situation? My doctor told me then there were four stages of grief: denial, depression, anger, and acceptance in that order. In my case they went out of order. I knew my mothers sister had called the night before she died and there had been an argument. My mother already had high blood pressure, and her death was the result of complications of hypertension. In the minds of both my sister and me she killed our mother because she was always doing something to agitate her in spite of her medical condition. Therefore, my first reaction was not denial, but anger; anger at the woman who had caused her death. Perhaps the fact that my pattern was out of the normal scope of the stages of grief is why I still have not recovered fully, and Im sure Ill never find out at this late date. Besides, how does one remember back 16 years and try to envision what they were thinking?
So, what is the purpose of this? Where am I leading you with this confession? I want you to understand that everyone hurts and everyone recovers in a different way. No one can tell you when its time to move forward, you have to make that decision for yourself. Also, and most importantly, things are not going to return to normal as soon as the funeral is over, and anyone who thinks it will is living in a fairytale. On the other hand, if you dont see recovery beginning reasonably soon, or find the depression becoming worse, see a grief counselor who will help you and your family through the healing process.
On the other end of the spectrum, for those who are fortunate enough to still have your parents, love them and treat them right. If you have a problem, work it out because remember: tomorrow may be too late. I thank God that there was nothing unsaid between my mother and me. We were close, and we both knew there was a bond that would never be broken. If not for that, Im sure that my pain would be much greater than it is.
2004
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