Doc Kee: I read your columns at TheCheers.org. Very informative. I like them a lot. Thank you! I would like to ask your help with something... As you have dealt with people's dating dilemmas in the past, can you help me with a problem I have? Or, take me a step in the right direction at least. I have what I consider to be a rather debilating problem. It stems from sexual abuse I suffered as a child, at the hands of my grandfather, an ignorant fool of a man who still believes he is an upstanding citizen and a good person. I am older now, so his abuse is no longer a concern. He was never confronted by the family, though I think everyone secretly knew about his disgusting predilections. I am bred from some strange fruit. We never liked confrontations-- to say the least! Now, as a result of that earlier situation, I have a real problem in my relationships with men. I suppose some would say that's understandable, but it hurts sometimes. I have put up so many walls, and it just hurts so much. I am alone all the time. It's more than men, really. Friends, family, the whole shebang. I don't get along well with people. I don't know why I can't control this sick feeling in my stomach that... well, i don't know what!! And now, the only man I ever really felt close to... he's engaged. That is so very painful to me. Geez.. I guess I keep whining here. The long and short of it is this: the other day, a man asked me to have dinner with him. He was a casual acquaintance of mine. I find him very attractive. Yet, I said no. Somehow I can't make myself let go, or trust, or whatever. I keep thinking about him now and hoping I will run into him again. My God though, what would I even say! I want to know how to get over this road block of mine. I truly fear this loneliness. At times, it almost cripples me. Don't tell me to get counseling, Doc Kee. I just don't think I could do it right now... Should I call him? His name is Harley... great name! Thanks if you can help me- Char In response to Char:
First and foremost, Char I am delighted that you get pleasure from my words of guidance. I hoped that my readers would appreciate the message(s) just as much as the individuals that submitted the question. I have to advise you that I am not a professional counselor--this is strictly my opinion (like a good friend). Nonetheless, it should assist you with making the right decision for you and only you.
Speaking from personal experiences in from my past, I know that feeling of being raped / abused by someone that you know regardless of whether they are a family member are not. Wrong is wrong. It takes a lot of power, faith, and internal healing to move forward to become a healthy adult that doesnt use their past as a crutch to play for sympathy or the wrong type of attention. Believe me when I tell you, he will get his in the end...the bad guy always does. He will pay for his indiscretions. No one gets away with doing wrong--karma is a bitch and it catches up with you when you least expect it. It smacks you right in the face.
The first step is going to be a hard one. The first part of healing is talking to your grandfather, and making him acknowledge that you remember what he did to you. He needs to understand that even though he may have thought he won the battle...the war wasnt over. He is your closure, if he is still living. Letting him know how he made you feel as an adolescent, carried into your adulthood. It is affecting the way that you communicate with family and friends. Char, you mentioned that your family isnt very confrontational--that is a good trait to have; however, you need to look past this fact and make a decision about what is BEST for YOU. This task should be viewed as a cleansing...try talking to him like he was a long lost friend that you are trying to catch up on old with, since so much time has lapsed.
As far as for your walls, those barriers arent going anywhere until the closure with your abuser is handled. I know you said, do not refer you to counselor, but it will help especially if you are unable to approach your grandfather. Those feelings will harbor and fester inside until theres nothing left of you.
Once you release you fears / worries to the wind you will feel a lot lighter. The walls will begin to slowly dissolve into a cheery and merrier person that is open to having friends and family in her immediate surroundings.
I dont know how old you are exactly, but meeting new and interesting people is part of our makeup. At work, there must be someone that you can confide in...not necessarily this part of you. More or less, the part of you that wants to have friends. Believe me there is a person inside of you that longs for social gatherings, family events, etc. The sickening feeling in your stomach is your own fear of moving on or thinking that enjoying yourself is WRONG. Im here to tell you that having fun is RIGHT.
Ok the engaged guy has to go. He cannot offer you anything stable right now except friendship and you do not want that. He feels safe to you because he doesnt see you in the same light. You do not feel threatened or emotionally attached in anyway...hes safe territory.
The gentlemen that asked you out to dinner may be interesting if you give him a chance. I think that you should call him. When you first meet a person you can tell to some extent if they are a good person are not...a womans intuition doesnt lead you wrong too often. I think that you should go to dinner, and enjoy the meal, keep the conversation general and light--that way you wont feel uncomfortable around him.
A person or a fear can only do to you what you allow it to do. Do you want happiness? Do you want to feel free? Do you want to experience love...true love? Do you want to be able to communicate to family and meet / have good friends? The ball is in your court, because only you can answer the above questions.
Im not going to say anything else about counseling, but I do encourage you to talk to someone in the near future. Until you drop some of the stop signs that you have up you will feel lonely and somewhat bitter.
I hope that I help you make the right decision. And ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...Yes, Harley is a great name. J
Doc Kee
First and foremost, Char I am delighted that you get pleasure from my words of guidance. I hoped that my readers would appreciate the message(s) just as much as the individuals that submitted the question. I have to advise you that I am not a professional counselor--this is strictly my opinion (like a good friend). Nonetheless, it should assist you with making the right decision for you and only you.
Speaking from personal experiences in from my past, I know that feeling of being raped / abused by someone that you know regardless of whether they are a family member are not. Wrong is wrong. It takes a lot of power, faith, and internal healing to move forward to become a healthy adult that doesnt use their past as a crutch to play for sympathy or the wrong type of attention. Believe me when I tell you, he will get his in the end...the bad guy always does. He will pay for his indiscretions. No one gets away with doing wrong--karma is a bitch and it catches up with you when you least expect it. It smacks you right in the face.
The first step is going to be a hard one. The first part of healing is talking to your grandfather, and making him acknowledge that you remember what he did to you. He needs to understand that even though he may have thought he won the battle...the war wasnt over. He is your closure, if he is still living. Letting him know how he made you feel as an adolescent, carried into your adulthood. It is affecting the way that you communicate with family and friends. Char, you mentioned that your family isnt very confrontational--that is a good trait to have; however, you need to look past this fact and make a decision about what is BEST for YOU. This task should be viewed as a cleansing...try talking to him like he was a long lost friend that you are trying to catch up on old with, since so much time has lapsed.
As far as for your walls, those barriers arent going anywhere until the closure with your abuser is handled. I know you said, do not refer you to counselor, but it will help especially if you are unable to approach your grandfather. Those feelings will harbor and fester inside until theres nothing left of you.
Once you release you fears / worries to the wind you will feel a lot lighter. The walls will begin to slowly dissolve into a cheery and merrier person that is open to having friends and family in her immediate surroundings.
I dont know how old you are exactly, but meeting new and interesting people is part of our makeup. At work, there must be someone that you can confide in...not necessarily this part of you. More or less, the part of you that wants to have friends. Believe me there is a person inside of you that longs for social gatherings, family events, etc. The sickening feeling in your stomach is your own fear of moving on or thinking that enjoying yourself is WRONG. Im here to tell you that having fun is RIGHT.
Ok the engaged guy has to go. He cannot offer you anything stable right now except friendship and you do not want that. He feels safe to you because he doesnt see you in the same light. You do not feel threatened or emotionally attached in anyway...hes safe territory.
The gentlemen that asked you out to dinner may be interesting if you give him a chance. I think that you should call him. When you first meet a person you can tell to some extent if they are a good person are not...a womans intuition doesnt lead you wrong too often. I think that you should go to dinner, and enjoy the meal, keep the conversation general and light--that way you wont feel uncomfortable around him.
A person or a fear can only do to you what you allow it to do. Do you want happiness? Do you want to feel free? Do you want to experience love...true love? Do you want to be able to communicate to family and meet / have good friends? The ball is in your court, because only you can answer the above questions.
Im not going to say anything else about counseling, but I do encourage you to talk to someone in the near future. Until you drop some of the stop signs that you have up you will feel lonely and somewhat bitter.
I hope that I help you make the right decision. And ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...Yes, Harley is a great name. J
Doc Kee
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