As the first calendar year of "Reel Advice From the Video Store
Guy," nears its inevitable end, I'm forced to reach one equally
inevitable conclusion:
You guys must have a serious
tolerance for the rantings of former video store employees with
delusions of grandeur who've declared themselves arbiters of good taste
in video.
Anyway, since this is the end of the first year, and
pretty much everybody is doing a top-ten list of some sort, I too will
release such a list. I do so for two basic purposes. One, as a preview
of the stuff you'll get to see next year in "Reel Advice." Everything
in the top ten list to come will get its own column in the very near
future. Two, as a public service, because chances are you're going to
be renting a movie sometime this week, and I want you to know what the
absolute worst crap on the shelves is right now, so you don't waste a
perfectly good and possibly rare rental on one of these dogs.
So behold!
The Thoroughly Official and Utterly Egomaniacal "Reel Advice From the Video Store Guy" Top Ten Most Horrible Movies of 2004:
10) The Fanglys
Okay,
this one was just a bad idea. If you take several college kids, put
them in the backwoods, and have them get chased by rednecks for ninety
minutes, you've got The Fanglys. The problem is, you've also got
several other movies, all pretty much just as unpalatable as this
canard.
9) Blood Reaper
Hey, ever seen a slasher movie?
You have? Great! You have absolutely no reason to watch Blood Reaper
now, because you've already seen it.
8) Bite Me
The
horrible career of Brett Piper spawns Bite Me, perhaps the first movie
ever to involve carnivorous bugs that breed in marijuana. Also, it
provides us with proof that Shock-O-Rama Cinema is so thoroughly
dependent on Misty Mundae that, if she were to ever die, Shock-O-Rama
would likely die with it.
7) Curse of the Komodo
Join
me in a thought exercise. Picture the original Jurassic Park movie.
Now, take away all the dinosaur effects, and replace them with just one
big lizard straight out of the Chiodo brothers. Now stop screaming.
Please. It's really rather unsettling. What you've got from the result
of that exercise is, pretty much, Curse of the Komodo.
6) Boa vs. Python
Two
wrongs do not make a right. It's a cliche, yes, but cliches are often
cliches because they're so very true. Boa Vs. Python is absolute proof
of this. Boa was lousy, Python wasn't much better... Putting them
together gives us a whole that's utterly unforgivable.
5) Doctor Moreau's House of Pain
Butchering classic literature for a quick profit is no way to go through life, son.
4) Near Death
Actors
that think "action" is code for "Shout your lines! No one can hear you
if you talk normally," a script that combines the worst in exploitation
and sheer crap, and the truly depraved oeuvre of Joe Castro--all of
these sad and sorry factors add up to provide a movie that should not
be.
3) Suburban Nightmare
Cannibalism, marital discord, bisexualism, and amusing 'bon mots.' It sounds awful, and it watches even worse.
2) Horrific
Take
three movies, cut about two hundred minutes of runtime from them,
string them together in the same film, and release to suckers. The joke
is: I'm not kidding. Neither is Full Moon, who had the unmitigated gall
to release this awfulness.
1) Tomb of Terror
This is the
film that made me truly cringe at the name of Charles Band. You
remember Horrific? Tomb of Terror is the exact same concept: Three
movies, ninety minutes - all crapola!
Guy," nears its inevitable end, I'm forced to reach one equally
inevitable conclusion:
You guys must have a serious
tolerance for the rantings of former video store employees with
delusions of grandeur who've declared themselves arbiters of good taste
in video.
Anyway, since this is the end of the first year, and
pretty much everybody is doing a top-ten list of some sort, I too will
release such a list. I do so for two basic purposes. One, as a preview
of the stuff you'll get to see next year in "Reel Advice." Everything
in the top ten list to come will get its own column in the very near
future. Two, as a public service, because chances are you're going to
be renting a movie sometime this week, and I want you to know what the
absolute worst crap on the shelves is right now, so you don't waste a
perfectly good and possibly rare rental on one of these dogs.
So behold!
The Thoroughly Official and Utterly Egomaniacal "Reel Advice From the Video Store Guy" Top Ten Most Horrible Movies of 2004:
10) The Fanglys
Okay,
this one was just a bad idea. If you take several college kids, put
them in the backwoods, and have them get chased by rednecks for ninety
minutes, you've got The Fanglys. The problem is, you've also got
several other movies, all pretty much just as unpalatable as this
canard.
9) Blood Reaper
Hey, ever seen a slasher movie?
You have? Great! You have absolutely no reason to watch Blood Reaper
now, because you've already seen it.
8) Bite Me
The
horrible career of Brett Piper spawns Bite Me, perhaps the first movie
ever to involve carnivorous bugs that breed in marijuana. Also, it
provides us with proof that Shock-O-Rama Cinema is so thoroughly
dependent on Misty Mundae that, if she were to ever die, Shock-O-Rama
would likely die with it.
7) Curse of the Komodo
Join
me in a thought exercise. Picture the original Jurassic Park movie.
Now, take away all the dinosaur effects, and replace them with just one
big lizard straight out of the Chiodo brothers. Now stop screaming.
Please. It's really rather unsettling. What you've got from the result
of that exercise is, pretty much, Curse of the Komodo.
6) Boa vs. Python
Two
wrongs do not make a right. It's a cliche, yes, but cliches are often
cliches because they're so very true. Boa Vs. Python is absolute proof
of this. Boa was lousy, Python wasn't much better... Putting them
together gives us a whole that's utterly unforgivable.
5) Doctor Moreau's House of Pain
Butchering classic literature for a quick profit is no way to go through life, son.
4) Near Death
Actors
that think "action" is code for "Shout your lines! No one can hear you
if you talk normally," a script that combines the worst in exploitation
and sheer crap, and the truly depraved oeuvre of Joe Castro--all of
these sad and sorry factors add up to provide a movie that should not
be.
3) Suburban Nightmare
Cannibalism, marital discord, bisexualism, and amusing 'bon mots.' It sounds awful, and it watches even worse.
2) Horrific
Take
three movies, cut about two hundred minutes of runtime from them,
string them together in the same film, and release to suckers. The joke
is: I'm not kidding. Neither is Full Moon, who had the unmitigated gall
to release this awfulness.
1) Tomb of Terror
This is the
film that made me truly cringe at the name of Charles Band. You
remember Horrific? Tomb of Terror is the exact same concept: Three
movies, ninety minutes - all crapola!
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