This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.
OK, we've all heard it before: Capitalism begets freedom, freedom brings choices, choices help make happiness. Following that logic, business is the engine of that warm, happy feeling you get when you finally buy that thing that you don't really need. Some people need to buy stuff. Some people need to sell stuff. Could it possibly be more simple that that? When it all works right, both sides are happy! Yet, history shows us that it doesn't always work out right. In pursuit of money, the most bizarre bedfellows don't even rate a comment if our side of the deal is sweet! Experience, as the search for the almighty buck, rear-ends humankind again & again!
The phone answering machine was invented 53 years ago. Predictably, the first eight messages were from the inventor's MOTHER! Proponents of having portable defibrillator on all commercial air flights remind us all: They can also be used to STUN screaming kids! The Internet savvy Mayor of New York City is always available ONLINE @ DOT COM THIS!
A new conspiracy states that gasoline prices are mysteriously linked to Republican ORGASMS! The more orgasms they have, the lower the price of gasoline will be! So, Ladiesdo your partand SLEEP with a Republican today!
Xenia, Princess Warrior, has retired - shes now The CEO of AMAZON.com!... An Indiana woman falls into a vat of Preparation H - and simply DISAPPEARS!... Dan Rather says he will STAY at CBS - UNTIL ONE of them is DEAD!... Today, Amnesty International has declared Regis Philbins new CD: A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY!... New triple strength Rogaine will actually grow hair on Yul Brenner - AND HES BEEN DEAD FOR YEARS NOW!... Text messages on your cell phone from His Holiness, The Pope: CAN YOU BLESS ME NOW?... U.S. Post Office is considering stopping Saturday mail delivery, because thats when the GUN SHOWS ARE OPEN... A Silicon Valley firm will recycle old breast implants into new TV screens, which will be called: Second Chance BOOB Tubes!... Cornell scientists studying molecular explosions, implant an elephants egg into a gerbil - and then, they RUN AWAY!... Proctor and Gamble will merge with the company that makes Tampax. NO strings on the deal! New CEO says she expects expansion and some moodiness!...
Oh, zose Americans! Zey are SO money-crazy! Maybe we are, but, maybe, non-Americans just dont get it. Every day, every doggone day, there are literally millions of Americans busting their butts to get out there and invent a new way for us to spend money and have more fun - and then spend more money! Short of somebody knocking on our door and selling us world peace, in a shrink-wrapped SIX-PACK, can any of you out there think of a better start to get to some world peace?
Wow, the Victoria Secret catalogs just came in the mail. Gotta go!
Remember: FRIENDS DONT LET FRIENDS WATCH SPRINGER!
The phone answering machine was invented 53 years ago. Predictably, the first eight messages were from the inventor's MOTHER! Proponents of having portable defibrillator on all commercial air flights remind us all: They can also be used to STUN screaming kids! The Internet savvy Mayor of New York City is always available ONLINE @ DOT COM THIS!
A new conspiracy states that gasoline prices are mysteriously linked to Republican ORGASMS! The more orgasms they have, the lower the price of gasoline will be! So, Ladiesdo your partand SLEEP with a Republican today!
Xenia, Princess Warrior, has retired - shes now The CEO of AMAZON.com!... An Indiana woman falls into a vat of Preparation H - and simply DISAPPEARS!... Dan Rather says he will STAY at CBS - UNTIL ONE of them is DEAD!... Today, Amnesty International has declared Regis Philbins new CD: A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY!... New triple strength Rogaine will actually grow hair on Yul Brenner - AND HES BEEN DEAD FOR YEARS NOW!... Text messages on your cell phone from His Holiness, The Pope: CAN YOU BLESS ME NOW?... U.S. Post Office is considering stopping Saturday mail delivery, because thats when the GUN SHOWS ARE OPEN... A Silicon Valley firm will recycle old breast implants into new TV screens, which will be called: Second Chance BOOB Tubes!... Cornell scientists studying molecular explosions, implant an elephants egg into a gerbil - and then, they RUN AWAY!... Proctor and Gamble will merge with the company that makes Tampax. NO strings on the deal! New CEO says she expects expansion and some moodiness!...
Oh, zose Americans! Zey are SO money-crazy! Maybe we are, but, maybe, non-Americans just dont get it. Every day, every doggone day, there are literally millions of Americans busting their butts to get out there and invent a new way for us to spend money and have more fun - and then spend more money! Short of somebody knocking on our door and selling us world peace, in a shrink-wrapped SIX-PACK, can any of you out there think of a better start to get to some world peace?
Wow, the Victoria Secret catalogs just came in the mail. Gotta go!
Remember: FRIENDS DONT LET FRIENDS WATCH SPRINGER!
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