Fallen Angels is a misnomer, folks. They should've dubbed this one "Fallin' Asleep."
Fallen Angels
DVD
*
cast:
Esme Eliot .... Nell Fisher
Michael Ironside .... Sheriff Ed Rooney
Kai Wiesinger .... Tom Craven
Dallas Campbell .... Brett Murray
Elly Fairman .... Natalie Lawrence
Emma Willis .... Laurie Campbell
Melissa Simonetti .... Melanie Fleischer
Jeff Fahey .... Dr. Richard Leighton
Mara Derwent .... Susan Cooper
rest of cast listed alphabetically
Tony Arunah Abbey .... Mick Schumann
Cassandra Bell .... Jade Bowman
Max Brown .... Brad
Directed by
Ian David Diaz
Writing credits
Julian Boote
Michael Derbas
R
97 Min
Every time Jeff Fahey stars in a cheap, poorly done piece of direct-to-video slop, an angel gets its wings.
Right now, by my count, there are about three angels in heaven still taking the bus to work.
You
can tell right off that this one's going to be a doozy. We kick it off
with a girl waiting on the side of a road in the countryside for a
football player to show up. He then proceeds to give her a bunch of
stories about why it took him so long, ending with the line, "you look
good enough to DIE for!"
Before the audience can spit back an acerbic, "Oh, you WILL!", he takes three shots in the stomach from a trio of masked men.
Funny,
though...their weapons look strangely like paintball guns. Anyone with
a pause button on their DVD player will be able to see it fairly
readily--just pause after 'Mr. Football Hero' takes his gutshots.
Surprise
surprise...they ARE paintball guns! I've never seen paintball guns with
muzzle flashes before, but anyway... Awful and awfully predictable
jokes aside, we carry on with the plot, if this piece of inexcusable
tripe can be called a plot. Basically, what's going on here is that a
former professor at a Catholic girls' school is stalking one of the
students, and it ends poorly - poorly, as in a school-consuming
fireball. When an English documentary team comprised of one of the
surviving girls goes back to investigate, Things Go Wrong once again.
Leading
us to our first plot hole of the day: For an abandoned girls' school
that just had a fireball race through its upper half, it looks really,
REALLY well-maintained.
It's plain to see that the documentary
crew is out to build the best performance it can at the cost of its
participants. Meanwhile, a serial killer in a rain slicker is stalking
the documentary crew and its participants.
I recommend
bringing a book along if you watch this, because the first hour or so
is a yawn big enough to cure insomnia. The last half-hour is a bit
better because that's where all the "survival horror" events kick in,
and even then it's slow and poorly done.
Frankly, the whole
MOVIE is slow and poorly done. Jeff Fahey's incredibly lethargic
performance watches as though it were on stilts, and the rest of the
cast of assorted no-names is unbelievable and wholly unsympathetic.
While
I'm at it, Michael Ironside, what the hell are you DOING in this
picture?? You're a GOOD actor! Why are you wasting your time with slop
that considers Jeff Fahey a big enough actor to get top billing?
This movie is not that much of a twist to begin with except for its sheer improbability.
Fallen
Angels is pure and simple garbage - shovelreel at its very worst. It
robs better movies with bigger budgets of plotlines (Fallen Angels is
at its lowest terms really little more than a hybrid of Scream and
Urban Legend with some minor alterations thrown in), and refuses to
make anything new or interesting out of what it doesn't steal directly.
The
'extra features' menu is a perfect metaphor for the quality of the
film, that is to say, there ARE no special features. No commentary or
deleted scenes or filmographies - not even a subtitle or options for a
change in audio quality.
So, all in all, Fallen Angels is just
one more sad retread of films that were already a little tired when
they were first released.
Fallen Angels
DVD
*
cast:
Esme Eliot .... Nell Fisher
Michael Ironside .... Sheriff Ed Rooney
Kai Wiesinger .... Tom Craven
Dallas Campbell .... Brett Murray
Elly Fairman .... Natalie Lawrence
Emma Willis .... Laurie Campbell
Melissa Simonetti .... Melanie Fleischer
Jeff Fahey .... Dr. Richard Leighton
Mara Derwent .... Susan Cooper
rest of cast listed alphabetically
Tony Arunah Abbey .... Mick Schumann
Cassandra Bell .... Jade Bowman
Max Brown .... Brad
Directed by
Ian David Diaz
Writing credits
Julian Boote
Michael Derbas
R
97 Min
Every time Jeff Fahey stars in a cheap, poorly done piece of direct-to-video slop, an angel gets its wings.
Right now, by my count, there are about three angels in heaven still taking the bus to work.
You
can tell right off that this one's going to be a doozy. We kick it off
with a girl waiting on the side of a road in the countryside for a
football player to show up. He then proceeds to give her a bunch of
stories about why it took him so long, ending with the line, "you look
good enough to DIE for!"
Before the audience can spit back an acerbic, "Oh, you WILL!", he takes three shots in the stomach from a trio of masked men.
Funny,
though...their weapons look strangely like paintball guns. Anyone with
a pause button on their DVD player will be able to see it fairly
readily--just pause after 'Mr. Football Hero' takes his gutshots.
Surprise
surprise...they ARE paintball guns! I've never seen paintball guns with
muzzle flashes before, but anyway... Awful and awfully predictable
jokes aside, we carry on with the plot, if this piece of inexcusable
tripe can be called a plot. Basically, what's going on here is that a
former professor at a Catholic girls' school is stalking one of the
students, and it ends poorly - poorly, as in a school-consuming
fireball. When an English documentary team comprised of one of the
surviving girls goes back to investigate, Things Go Wrong once again.
Leading
us to our first plot hole of the day: For an abandoned girls' school
that just had a fireball race through its upper half, it looks really,
REALLY well-maintained.
It's plain to see that the documentary
crew is out to build the best performance it can at the cost of its
participants. Meanwhile, a serial killer in a rain slicker is stalking
the documentary crew and its participants.
I recommend
bringing a book along if you watch this, because the first hour or so
is a yawn big enough to cure insomnia. The last half-hour is a bit
better because that's where all the "survival horror" events kick in,
and even then it's slow and poorly done.
Frankly, the whole
MOVIE is slow and poorly done. Jeff Fahey's incredibly lethargic
performance watches as though it were on stilts, and the rest of the
cast of assorted no-names is unbelievable and wholly unsympathetic.
While
I'm at it, Michael Ironside, what the hell are you DOING in this
picture?? You're a GOOD actor! Why are you wasting your time with slop
that considers Jeff Fahey a big enough actor to get top billing?
This movie is not that much of a twist to begin with except for its sheer improbability.
Fallen
Angels is pure and simple garbage - shovelreel at its very worst. It
robs better movies with bigger budgets of plotlines (Fallen Angels is
at its lowest terms really little more than a hybrid of Scream and
Urban Legend with some minor alterations thrown in), and refuses to
make anything new or interesting out of what it doesn't steal directly.
The
'extra features' menu is a perfect metaphor for the quality of the
film, that is to say, there ARE no special features. No commentary or
deleted scenes or filmographies - not even a subtitle or options for a
change in audio quality.
So, all in all, Fallen Angels is just
one more sad retread of films that were already a little tired when
they were first released.
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