The Japanese are a strange, strange people. Check out what they watch on TV.
Flowers on the Razorwire: Episode One, Chance Meeting
DVD
*1/2
Directed by
Hart D. Fisher
Written by
Joseph M. Monks
Hart D. Fisher
Cast
Wanda Curtis
Joseph M. Monks
Mitsuho Ohtani
Evil Lopez
Fred D'Amico
Joey D'Amico
Frank DiModica Jr
Hart D. Fisher
Loki
Johnathan Gabriel
unrated
30 mins and a whole bunch of extras
I
have to hand it to Joe Monks of Chanting Monks Press. If you're looking
for an all new standard of disturbing, you need look no farther than
the first five minutes of Flowers on the Razorwire.
The first five minutes of the film makes the entire Hellraiser series look like a Ken Burns documentary.
Produced
as the pilot episode for a Japanese horror series, and NOT as the
lead-in to a larger feature as I had previously thought, the film
involves a lonely fellow who gets a little sadomasochistic action and
finds it goes a lot farther than he'd care for it to go. Lying on a
table, bound at wrists and ankles and with about thirty giant needles
embedded in his stomach, the overzealous mistress he'd hired gives our
boy his marching orders: tell her a scary story or she'll find out just
how far she can go before he stops making noise.
So probably
scared out of his mind and hurting like a son of a bitch from having a
series of giant needles embedded in his stomach, our boy improvises a
scary tale. A young Japanese girl is doing her laundry in an apartment
building when, getting on the elevator, she slights a blind man by
closing the elevator doors on her in a bit of a panic. This is, of
course, when all hell breaks loose. She gets stuck on the elevator with
the building's boiler maintenance man who carries on about the
methodology of the town's newest serial killer--a verbal exchange which
becomes menacing to our slight, unassuming little Japanese girl. This
leads up to a twist that's surprising, assuming you haven't seen very
many horror movies. Noobs will be amazed...veterans will give an
audible shrug.
But this is where the amazing part starts...
It's over!
That's
right, folks...you just watched a half-hour video. For all we know, our
boy in the beginning is STILL tied to that table, and the mistress is
keeping him alive through a series of transfusions with blood donated
by local rodents. He could be hosting a kiddie show in Vancouver with
her for all we know, because the show's OVER! It's DONE!
Like me, you're probably staring at the credit roll and saying in one loud, unified voice, "Huh?"
I
just sat through a half hour of sadomasochism and endless conversations
about the intricate mechanics of forcibly removing a human nipple, and
I don't even know what happened to the poor dumb schmuck with the
needles in his stomach. Where is the ending?
Disappointed? Sure
am. But even through the dark haze of my half-hour disappointment,
dammit, I CAN'T completely pan Flowers on the Razorwire. I just CAN'T.
You know why? Because Joe Monks has gone all freaking out to make sure
the DVD extras are a real surprise. Let's go over them. Okay, there are
no subtitles, or audio options, but we DO get a music video of one of
the movie's songs, a blooper reel which is surprisingly funny, and a
behind-the-scenes featurette. We also get a downright chilling trailer
for the movie Garbage Man that features more love letters than You've
Got Mail.
There's also something called the "HDF Director's
Reel" which is apparently a series of trailers. Like trailers for the
movie Garbage Man that give us a little more insight into what it's
about. It features many, many killings and Zach De La Rocha screaming
about bullets for several seconds. Oh, wait...that's a
'Rage-Against-the-Machine' song. We also get footage of guys beating
each other senseless with sticks. This makes Backyard Wrestling look
like a sensible pastime.
Plus, in a move that will make me sing
the brilliance of Monks for years to come, Flowers on the Razorwire
includes a comic book in the DVD package. A black-and-white multiple
story comic book featuring a story that basically takes Watership Down
and injects it with bunnies that make Bun-Bun look socially
responsible. The second story is about as vile as they come, but the
idea of a comic book is still profoundly original.
So, God help
me, I finally can't decide just what to make of Flowers on the
Razorwire. While the main story is disturbing and ultimately
disappointing, the extras are so varied, numerous, and utterly original
that I can't help but come away satisfied. It's like I bought a lemon
on the used car lot, but the dealer gave me a free balloon, hot dog,
can of soda, air freshener, large pizza, key chain, floor mats, rust
proofing, instant rebate and no payments for fifty years financing.
All in all, I'm only slightly less-than-satisfied with Flowers on the Razorwire...only slightly.
Flowers on the Razorwire: Episode One, Chance Meeting
DVD
*1/2
Directed by
Hart D. Fisher
Written by
Joseph M. Monks
Hart D. Fisher
Cast
Wanda Curtis
Joseph M. Monks
Mitsuho Ohtani
Evil Lopez
Fred D'Amico
Joey D'Amico
Frank DiModica Jr
Hart D. Fisher
Loki
Johnathan Gabriel
unrated
30 mins and a whole bunch of extras
I
have to hand it to Joe Monks of Chanting Monks Press. If you're looking
for an all new standard of disturbing, you need look no farther than
the first five minutes of Flowers on the Razorwire.
The first five minutes of the film makes the entire Hellraiser series look like a Ken Burns documentary.
Produced
as the pilot episode for a Japanese horror series, and NOT as the
lead-in to a larger feature as I had previously thought, the film
involves a lonely fellow who gets a little sadomasochistic action and
finds it goes a lot farther than he'd care for it to go. Lying on a
table, bound at wrists and ankles and with about thirty giant needles
embedded in his stomach, the overzealous mistress he'd hired gives our
boy his marching orders: tell her a scary story or she'll find out just
how far she can go before he stops making noise.
So probably
scared out of his mind and hurting like a son of a bitch from having a
series of giant needles embedded in his stomach, our boy improvises a
scary tale. A young Japanese girl is doing her laundry in an apartment
building when, getting on the elevator, she slights a blind man by
closing the elevator doors on her in a bit of a panic. This is, of
course, when all hell breaks loose. She gets stuck on the elevator with
the building's boiler maintenance man who carries on about the
methodology of the town's newest serial killer--a verbal exchange which
becomes menacing to our slight, unassuming little Japanese girl. This
leads up to a twist that's surprising, assuming you haven't seen very
many horror movies. Noobs will be amazed...veterans will give an
audible shrug.
But this is where the amazing part starts...
It's over!
That's
right, folks...you just watched a half-hour video. For all we know, our
boy in the beginning is STILL tied to that table, and the mistress is
keeping him alive through a series of transfusions with blood donated
by local rodents. He could be hosting a kiddie show in Vancouver with
her for all we know, because the show's OVER! It's DONE!
Like me, you're probably staring at the credit roll and saying in one loud, unified voice, "Huh?"
I
just sat through a half hour of sadomasochism and endless conversations
about the intricate mechanics of forcibly removing a human nipple, and
I don't even know what happened to the poor dumb schmuck with the
needles in his stomach. Where is the ending?
Disappointed? Sure
am. But even through the dark haze of my half-hour disappointment,
dammit, I CAN'T completely pan Flowers on the Razorwire. I just CAN'T.
You know why? Because Joe Monks has gone all freaking out to make sure
the DVD extras are a real surprise. Let's go over them. Okay, there are
no subtitles, or audio options, but we DO get a music video of one of
the movie's songs, a blooper reel which is surprisingly funny, and a
behind-the-scenes featurette. We also get a downright chilling trailer
for the movie Garbage Man that features more love letters than You've
Got Mail.
There's also something called the "HDF Director's
Reel" which is apparently a series of trailers. Like trailers for the
movie Garbage Man that give us a little more insight into what it's
about. It features many, many killings and Zach De La Rocha screaming
about bullets for several seconds. Oh, wait...that's a
'Rage-Against-the-Machine' song. We also get footage of guys beating
each other senseless with sticks. This makes Backyard Wrestling look
like a sensible pastime.
Plus, in a move that will make me sing
the brilliance of Monks for years to come, Flowers on the Razorwire
includes a comic book in the DVD package. A black-and-white multiple
story comic book featuring a story that basically takes Watership Down
and injects it with bunnies that make Bun-Bun look socially
responsible. The second story is about as vile as they come, but the
idea of a comic book is still profoundly original.
So, God help
me, I finally can't decide just what to make of Flowers on the
Razorwire. While the main story is disturbing and ultimately
disappointing, the extras are so varied, numerous, and utterly original
that I can't help but come away satisfied. It's like I bought a lemon
on the used car lot, but the dealer gave me a free balloon, hot dog,
can of soda, air freshener, large pizza, key chain, floor mats, rust
proofing, instant rebate and no payments for fifty years financing.
All in all, I'm only slightly less-than-satisfied with Flowers on the Razorwire...only slightly.
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