The obvious pun applies, folks...Vampires: Los Muertos does indeed suck.
Vampires: Los Muertos
DVD
**
Written/Directed by
Tommy Lee Wallace
Jon Bon Jovi .... Derek Bliss
Cristin de la Fuente .... Father Rodrigo
Natasha Wagner .... Zoey
Arly Jover .... Una
Darius McCrary .... Ray Collins
Anil Pardo .... Lupe
Javier Grajeda .... Brody
Tommy Lee Wallace .... Scared Guy
Diego Luna .... Sancho
Honorato Magaloni .... Old Man
Antonio Muiz .... Jesse
Andres Weiss .... Raider Punk
Muriel Fouilland .... Miss Brazil
Juan Pablo Gamboa .... Gringo
Gabriel Casanova .... Priest
Now, when John Carpenter released the original Vampires back in 1999,
I
was pretty happy about it. Happy I tell you! I had only just discovered
Allen Steakley's Vampire$ (note the clever spelling--that's the ACTUAL
title, folks.), and by extension, Steakley's Armor, maybe a few months
beforehand.
And I admit I was a little disgruntled to find
that Carpenter was calling it "Vampires" as opposed to taking the time
to spell the damn title right and call it "Vampire$".
What can I say? I'm a PURIST.
But
anyway--it wasn't so bad. James Woods made a positively KILLER Jack
Crow (no pun intended!) and the plot was at least within shouting
distance of the book's plot. And let's face it. John Carpenter is GOOD
at what he does. Naysayers aside, when John Carpenter sets out to do
pure dystopian science fiction / horror, he does it RIGHT.
But I
want to get my hands on the cartoon character who wrote the script for
Vampires: Los Muertos, Tommy Lee Wallace, and educate him until he
can't think straight. This is a horrible bastardization of a chilling
book with a plot that really makes you think twice about the concept of
vampires running free in the world. I questioned if Tommy Lee even
managed to read the original Steakley.
What we've got here
instead is a plot so simplistic it makes Dick and Jane look like War
and Peace. Jon Bon Jovi, who must be so desperate for work he would've
done a commercial for Al-Jazeera, plays our newest vampire hunter,
going after a clutch of vampires in northern Mexico. Attempting to cut
off the clutch before it can stage a movement into Tucson, or worse,
San Diego, Bon Jovi has to fund a team on behalf of some Catholic
priests who want the same thing as Bon Jovi.
Holy crap, man. Did
I actually TYPE that just now? Bon Jovi's out to save the world from
vampires? I mean, come on! I grew up listening to Bon Jovi! How is he a
believable vampire hunter??
And that's just one of the sad and
alarming problems with Vampires: Los Muertos. For instance, we've got
vampires controlling their vampirism with medication. We've got black
crosses able to give vampires the ability to walk in daylight (is
EVERYBODY stealing from Blade?!) and worst of all we have JON BON JOVI
as a vampire hunter!! Aaaigh!
Tommy Lee Wallace, I've never seen a more infuriating squandering of incredible potential!
So
anyway...this study in what might have been rattles on along until the
sad and horrifying conclusion. I mean horrifying in the "so awful that
you'll be horrified" sense.
Perhaps the most comical moments
of the movie come from watching Darius McCrary (astute viewers will
remember him from Family Matters as Eddie Winslow) play some kind of
badass tough guy. He's deepened his voice an unfathomable couple of
octaves, and added some nifty Tommy Lee Wallace brand dialogue, but I
can't help but see this as the kid who's toughest enemy was Urkel.
Extra
features include a director's commentary, although I'm really not
interested in hearing Tommy Lee Wallace talk about this unless it's to
apologize. Also included is a variety of subtitle options, and trailers
for Vampires: Los Muertos, Ghosts of Mars (another far better movie
from John Carpenter) and Bram Stoker's Dracula, which doesn't make a
whole lot of sense because that's been on shelves for YEARS. If you
wanted another vampire movie, you could've at least used Queen of the
Damned.
So all in all, Vampires: Los Muertos can only be
described as sheer average. Horribly squandered potential meets some
really impressive acting scenes, and the result is only average.
Vampires: Los Muertos
DVD
**
Written/Directed by
Tommy Lee Wallace
Jon Bon Jovi .... Derek Bliss
Cristin de la Fuente .... Father Rodrigo
Natasha Wagner .... Zoey
Arly Jover .... Una
Darius McCrary .... Ray Collins
Anil Pardo .... Lupe
Javier Grajeda .... Brody
Tommy Lee Wallace .... Scared Guy
Diego Luna .... Sancho
Honorato Magaloni .... Old Man
Antonio Muiz .... Jesse
Andres Weiss .... Raider Punk
Muriel Fouilland .... Miss Brazil
Juan Pablo Gamboa .... Gringo
Gabriel Casanova .... Priest
Now, when John Carpenter released the original Vampires back in 1999,
I
was pretty happy about it. Happy I tell you! I had only just discovered
Allen Steakley's Vampire$ (note the clever spelling--that's the ACTUAL
title, folks.), and by extension, Steakley's Armor, maybe a few months
beforehand.
And I admit I was a little disgruntled to find
that Carpenter was calling it "Vampires" as opposed to taking the time
to spell the damn title right and call it "Vampire$".
What can I say? I'm a PURIST.
But
anyway--it wasn't so bad. James Woods made a positively KILLER Jack
Crow (no pun intended!) and the plot was at least within shouting
distance of the book's plot. And let's face it. John Carpenter is GOOD
at what he does. Naysayers aside, when John Carpenter sets out to do
pure dystopian science fiction / horror, he does it RIGHT.
But I
want to get my hands on the cartoon character who wrote the script for
Vampires: Los Muertos, Tommy Lee Wallace, and educate him until he
can't think straight. This is a horrible bastardization of a chilling
book with a plot that really makes you think twice about the concept of
vampires running free in the world. I questioned if Tommy Lee even
managed to read the original Steakley.
What we've got here
instead is a plot so simplistic it makes Dick and Jane look like War
and Peace. Jon Bon Jovi, who must be so desperate for work he would've
done a commercial for Al-Jazeera, plays our newest vampire hunter,
going after a clutch of vampires in northern Mexico. Attempting to cut
off the clutch before it can stage a movement into Tucson, or worse,
San Diego, Bon Jovi has to fund a team on behalf of some Catholic
priests who want the same thing as Bon Jovi.
Holy crap, man. Did
I actually TYPE that just now? Bon Jovi's out to save the world from
vampires? I mean, come on! I grew up listening to Bon Jovi! How is he a
believable vampire hunter??
And that's just one of the sad and
alarming problems with Vampires: Los Muertos. For instance, we've got
vampires controlling their vampirism with medication. We've got black
crosses able to give vampires the ability to walk in daylight (is
EVERYBODY stealing from Blade?!) and worst of all we have JON BON JOVI
as a vampire hunter!! Aaaigh!
Tommy Lee Wallace, I've never seen a more infuriating squandering of incredible potential!
So
anyway...this study in what might have been rattles on along until the
sad and horrifying conclusion. I mean horrifying in the "so awful that
you'll be horrified" sense.
Perhaps the most comical moments
of the movie come from watching Darius McCrary (astute viewers will
remember him from Family Matters as Eddie Winslow) play some kind of
badass tough guy. He's deepened his voice an unfathomable couple of
octaves, and added some nifty Tommy Lee Wallace brand dialogue, but I
can't help but see this as the kid who's toughest enemy was Urkel.
Extra
features include a director's commentary, although I'm really not
interested in hearing Tommy Lee Wallace talk about this unless it's to
apologize. Also included is a variety of subtitle options, and trailers
for Vampires: Los Muertos, Ghosts of Mars (another far better movie
from John Carpenter) and Bram Stoker's Dracula, which doesn't make a
whole lot of sense because that's been on shelves for YEARS. If you
wanted another vampire movie, you could've at least used Queen of the
Damned.
So all in all, Vampires: Los Muertos can only be
described as sheer average. Horribly squandered potential meets some
really impressive acting scenes, and the result is only average.
|
Some of our content may be related to gambling.    |