Danny Horoputz, age 63, visits his 90 year old father, Steve in his nursing home, called "Fields of Yellow Snow."
Danny: "Hi, Dad, how ya feeling?"
Dad: "Who are you?"
Danny: "Dad, I'm your son."
Dad: "The legitimate one or the bastard?"
Danny: "You have an illegitimate son?"
Dad: "Never mind."
Danny: "I'm the legitimate one. 100% kosher!"
Dad: "Kosher? Then I can eat you?"
Danny: "Relax Dad. How is your memory:?"
Dad: "My what?"
Danny: "your memory."
Dad: "Mammary? You putz....men don't have mammaries!"
Danny: "Whatever...."
"Dad, how is your girlfriend here.?"
Dad: "You mean the nurse with the big tits?"
Danny: "Wow. Are you intimate with her?"
Dad: "No......I just fuck her. No. I'm not intimate with her at this very moment, ass you can see, my dim-witted son."
Danny: "Wow, I guess a guy never forgets how to screw."
Dad: "Yeah.....when I was on the kibbutz, there was this attractive, seductive chicken....."
Danny: "I dont want to hear about it."
Dad: "You know that chick in room 26? Well she insulted me."
Danny: "What did she say.?"
Dad: "She said I was dead."
I said, "you can see that I'm alive, bitch...I'm moving."
"She said, "I dont mean that YOU are dead.....you dick is dead, you putz.""
Then I yelled at her and guess what? She croaked."
Danny: "But I just saw her in room 26. She was sleeping."
Dad: "The staff think she's sleeping. She actually died back in '96!!!
Danny: "She's been dead for 17 years?"
Dad: "Yeah, dont tell the staff."
Danny: "Why not?"
Dad: "Cause I've been fucking her for the last 17 years:)"
Danny: "Necrophilia????"
Dad: "No, her name was Nanette. A French slut."
Danny: "Oh God.....you've been having sex with a cadaver?"
Dad: "It's not so bad.....she moves more than a lot of the other alive chicks here.
And when I push down on her stomach, she makes this groan, like "ahhhhh" :)
I just have to remember to bring a lubricant, like Jello.
Danny: "Oy. With all due respect, Dad, you are one sick mother fucker!"
Dad: "That's the best compliment I've gotten in years."
Danny: "Actually, Dad, I came here for your blessing."
Dad: "Blessing? Who do I look like God?"
Sorry. I'll bless you unless you really fucked up."
Danny: "I hope I didn't.
Well, Dad......you know how you alway said you wanted me to marry Jewish....
Dad: "Yes, and preferably whose family is in the garment business."
Danny: "Well, Dad, I am engaged to a Jew......maybe someone you've heard of....Barry Manilow."
Dad: "The faggot...I mean gay dude?"
Danny: "Yes, Dad, I am marrying a wonderful, talented, sensitive, kind, loving Jewish man."
Dad: "Oy veh....the horror! Is his mother sexually active?"
Danny: "Very much so!!!"
Dad: "How do you know?"
Danny: "Well when when the 3 of us went to Venice......Never mind! :)
Well, actually, she runs a brothel in Las Vegas."
Dad: "The bitch runs a brothel? Can I get a discount?"
Danny: "Definitely. : 20%"
Dad: "Think you could get me 25%? Just tell her it's a mitzvah. She'll understand...she's Jewish."
Danny: "Dad.......what about my blessing?"
Dad: "What blessing?"
Danny: "Do you give me your blessing for Barry and me to get married?"
Dad: "Well, let me do the math:
It's a dude. Not good.
He's queer as a three dollar bill. Not good.
Everyone knows he's gay. Not good.
It's an embarrassment to our family. Not good.
I can get a 25% discount on hookers in Vegas.....
.....OK, my son, I give you my blessing!!!
When can I start fucking hookers?"
Also, Barry's mother....do you think she'll let me do her?"
Danny: "Absolutely.....I mean, if she let me...........never mind."
Dad: "OK. Great. I bless you!!"
But I have to have 24/7 sexual access to Barry's 95 year old mother. And you have to provide me with unlimited KY-Jelly, or, at least WD-40.......the high mileage type. Jello, only as a last resort."
Danny: "Thanks Dad. I will always love you and respect you."
Dad: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
*****************************
Copywrong: 2013 Seymour LipSchitz. and Taiwanese attorney: Dong Hung Lo.
plus comedic consultant: R. U. Kidding.
Danny: "Hi, Dad, how ya feeling?"
Dad: "Who are you?"
Danny: "Dad, I'm your son."
Dad: "The legitimate one or the bastard?"
Danny: "You have an illegitimate son?"
Dad: "Never mind."
Danny: "I'm the legitimate one. 100% kosher!"
Dad: "Kosher? Then I can eat you?"
Danny: "Relax Dad. How is your memory:?"
Dad: "My what?"
Danny: "your memory."
Dad: "Mammary? You putz....men don't have mammaries!"
Danny: "Whatever...."
"Dad, how is your girlfriend here.?"
Dad: "You mean the nurse with the big tits?"
Danny: "Wow. Are you intimate with her?"
Dad: "No......I just fuck her. No. I'm not intimate with her at this very moment, ass you can see, my dim-witted son."
Danny: "Wow, I guess a guy never forgets how to screw."
Dad: "Yeah.....when I was on the kibbutz, there was this attractive, seductive chicken....."
Danny: "I dont want to hear about it."
Dad: "You know that chick in room 26? Well she insulted me."
Danny: "What did she say.?"
Dad: "She said I was dead."
I said, "you can see that I'm alive, bitch...I'm moving."
"She said, "I dont mean that YOU are dead.....you dick is dead, you putz.""
Then I yelled at her and guess what? She croaked."
Danny: "But I just saw her in room 26. She was sleeping."
Dad: "The staff think she's sleeping. She actually died back in '96!!!
Danny: "She's been dead for 17 years?"
Dad: "Yeah, dont tell the staff."
Danny: "Why not?"
Dad: "Cause I've been fucking her for the last 17 years:)"
Danny: "Necrophilia????"
Dad: "No, her name was Nanette. A French slut."
Danny: "Oh God.....you've been having sex with a cadaver?"
Dad: "It's not so bad.....she moves more than a lot of the other alive chicks here.
And when I push down on her stomach, she makes this groan, like "ahhhhh" :)
I just have to remember to bring a lubricant, like Jello.
Danny: "Oy. With all due respect, Dad, you are one sick mother fucker!"
Dad: "That's the best compliment I've gotten in years."
Danny: "Actually, Dad, I came here for your blessing."
Dad: "Blessing? Who do I look like God?"
Sorry. I'll bless you unless you really fucked up."
Danny: "I hope I didn't.
Well, Dad......you know how you alway said you wanted me to marry Jewish....
Dad: "Yes, and preferably whose family is in the garment business."
Danny: "Well, Dad, I am engaged to a Jew......maybe someone you've heard of....Barry Manilow."
Dad: "The faggot...I mean gay dude?"
Danny: "Yes, Dad, I am marrying a wonderful, talented, sensitive, kind, loving Jewish man."
Dad: "Oy veh....the horror! Is his mother sexually active?"
Danny: "Very much so!!!"
Dad: "How do you know?"
Danny: "Well when when the 3 of us went to Venice......Never mind! :)
Well, actually, she runs a brothel in Las Vegas."
Dad: "The bitch runs a brothel? Can I get a discount?"
Danny: "Definitely. : 20%"
Dad: "Think you could get me 25%? Just tell her it's a mitzvah. She'll understand...she's Jewish."
Danny: "Dad.......what about my blessing?"
Dad: "What blessing?"
Danny: "Do you give me your blessing for Barry and me to get married?"
Dad: "Well, let me do the math:
It's a dude. Not good.
He's queer as a three dollar bill. Not good.
Everyone knows he's gay. Not good.
It's an embarrassment to our family. Not good.
I can get a 25% discount on hookers in Vegas.....
.....OK, my son, I give you my blessing!!!
When can I start fucking hookers?"
Also, Barry's mother....do you think she'll let me do her?"
Danny: "Absolutely.....I mean, if she let me...........never mind."
Dad: "OK. Great. I bless you!!"
But I have to have 24/7 sexual access to Barry's 95 year old mother. And you have to provide me with unlimited KY-Jelly, or, at least WD-40.......the high mileage type. Jello, only as a last resort."
Danny: "Thanks Dad. I will always love you and respect you."
Dad: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
*****************************
Copywrong: 2013 Seymour LipSchitz. and Taiwanese attorney: Dong Hung Lo.
plus comedic consultant: R. U. Kidding.
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