The Ballad Of Britney

I have never been a fan of Britney Spears.

Let's see, her music is crap, she doesn't even sing well, her choice in men sucks, she sure can't act, and that is just the beginning of this corporate manifested robot. But now, my dislike for her has turned to sorrow as Britney continues to spiral downward through the toilet bowl we call life.

In case you didn't hear about it 500 times on TV or radio, Britney went to rehab for like a day, came back, shaved her head and got some tattoos. What story is still leaking out is that Britney had a run-in with the paparazzi after seeing her ex. She attacked them and their SUV with an umbrella and had that crazy look in her eye.

Yes Britney has bullshited about many things in her life since the advent of "Baby One More Time." There was the speculation of her breasts being fake, there was that story about her and Justin Timberlake knocking boots, but Britney swore she was a virgin, until Timberlake ousted her on a 20/20 interview. Britney has done some whacked out things. She made out with Madonna on MTV, she married an old childhood friend while wasted in Vegas, and then of course let K-Fed use her like she was the tool that she has always been. From that point, she drives with her kids in the front seat, and likes to walk around with no undies. Yes, Britney Spears, she's not that innocent, so she says.

I used to make some real mean remarks about Britney in the last few years. As a matter of fact, here are some of them:

• MTV is now a sanctuary for people who just fucking suck. It plays the stupid shit. Like Britney-March 2002
  
• Britney gets married, and it's annulled. She is some dumb hick from Louisiana who will remain a corporate puppet for the rest of her life.-January 6, 2004
  
• Rumors are that Britney and that guy from that family she wrecked are being courted by MTV to do a Newlyweds show-August 22, 2004
  
• Many things are happening that tell me the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Britney Spears released a Greatest Hits album-January 28, 2005
  
• With her and Federslime's genes put together, I think we are going to see Britney pop out a hamster out of her cooch before a beautiful baby.-September 12, 2005

OK they weren't as bad as I thought.

Nevertheless, Britney has become Hollywood's new basket case and I really do feel sorry for her. As a matter of fact, when we did the Gauntlet on the Point, which is a hit/miss segment, hit being something positive or funny, miss being something negative or we didn't like, I voted her as a miss because I felt sorry for her.

Britney since the beginning of time has had a mother who has been pushing her on stage as much as possible. She has been brainwashing her daughter to be her little prize since the age of nine when she was bringing Britney to many dance studios to try to get her talents noticed. She went on the Mickey Mouse club and that is where she met Timberlake.

Throughout the early years of Britney's time in the spotlight, she always put herself in the light of being a person with good morals. Someone who lived life "the right way" and her mother always gave her the nod. Sponsors came calling and it seemed everything Britney was doing she was told to do by either Mom or the sponsors or MTV executives; it just didn't seem natural to me. She was proud of being a virgin, but then Timberlake in an interview with Barbara Walters busted her out saying that she wasn't. This crushed Britney and this was also the beginning of her good girl persona becoming undone.

In 2004, Britney released "In the Zone." An album full of sexual innuendos, masturbation, and heartache. She wanted to get away from the little girl image (I am not a girl, but not yet a woman or some song like that), and she did just that blowing the lid off of Lynne Spears world. She eventually got married for 52 hours and then that ended, along with many of her sponsorship deals, and so much more.

Then she met Federline and that is when everything went really bad. Britney was being quite racy and this upset her mother so much, they got into a fight because what Jessica Simpson was is what Lynne wanted, and Britney did not. She releases a show called Chaotic, which was just that. In it, she talks about having sex with K-Fed and smoking dope and her idiotic fans, blah, blah, blah.

I have always said that one day Britney was going to snap, and she did just that. She went on Letterman shortly after the divorce with K-Fed and everyone thought she looked great and that a comeback was imminent. But then there were the late nights with Paris Hilton, the pictures of her drunk with no underwear, and just recently the trip to rehab and shaved head. Britney has finally hit bottom ladies and gentlemen.

Was it too much fame too soon? Was it a controlling stage mom? Was it mass corporations putting pressure on their new stock that was poised to ring in huge returns? Or was it a girl who has never had the chance to live her own life, did many things to rebel, and those things came back to her? I hope Britney finds solace in her life somehow, and lives a stress free life. Then when she comes back, I'll pick on her again, that is, if she deserves it.

JAE