Forget Flowers, Request A Song

I
have rules when it comes to my writing: strict rules. Yes, I pretend to
be quite disciplined and, for the most part, try to keep romance out of
my disgruntled ramblings. However, I do want to add a twist of Cupid to
this particular column because I have a slight feeling that it might
benefit mankind. Maybe it will unite romantics worldwide. Maybe it will
inspire those who have lost that loving feeling. And maybe, just maybe,
you loyal readers will dig into your music archives and discover a
track that you had completely forgotten even existed.

Regardless
of what the effects of reading this might be, people need to consider
the power and potential that lies within a song. Back in the day when
your music, cologne, shoes, and significant other wanna-be were
determined by whatever powerful forces control these Jr. High tastes,
it probably crossed your mind that it would be totally sweet if you
dedicated a highly overplayed, commercialized, mainstream song to that
"someone" who you thought you were in love with. This may or may not
have worked. Well, after a while, your music taste (possibly) evolved
and you began recording some pimp-ass mix-tapes. Although this process
was time consuming and quite stressful (it's always tough to pick the
perfect mix), you should have gotten the results you were looking for
(well, unless you were being ridiculously over-ambitious and
unrealistically optimistic).

Mix
tapes probably turned into flowers, which then evolve into jewelry. All
the while, you are growing and graduating from whatever it is that
people graduate from. However, it is getting much more difficult to be
Rico Suave. Flowers die, clothes go out of style, and CD burning
becomes much too easy to be accepted as a genuine form of pimping. Then
it happens: you realize that you have run out of shit to buy. But
before you begin worrying that you might have to develop a personality,
relax; I have a plan for you. Let's start at the very beginning,
apparently, it's a very good place to start: song-dedications.

Right
now, you may be totally unaware that a late-night dedication is the
only thing that is saving you from getting your ass kicked to the curb.
But you can't just pick any pathetic slow song, you have to pick the
perfect pathetic slow song. And honestly, what could be better than a
slow song that is titled by (but not necessarily about) the first name
of your potentially ex-significant other? There is a plethora of songs
waiting to be found, and chances are, if you do your research, you'll
strike gold and discover that relationship-saving track.

Now,
before you start rambling off every song that comes into your mind that
you think has a female's name in the title, let me first explain that
not every girl-name song will save your sorry ass. Lyrically, the track
must be sincere and have the potential to be sentimental or apologetic.
And let's not forget the power of obscurity; if your significant other
has never heard of the song you have discovered, the better the odds
are that she will buy this 60-yard "Hail Mary" of final-hour last-ditch
efforts.

Now,
for those of you keeping score at home who don't need to use this
pathetic scheme to save a romance, let's think of some of the top
girl-name songs ever to hit the airwaves. However, for the sake of
objectivity, we must establish a rule. First of all, the name in the
title cannot be the name of a girl that I (or in your case, if you are
playing along, you) have either liked or dated at some point in my (or
for you, your) life. So for me, this automatically excludes both
"Carrie" by Europe and "Carrie Anne" by the Hollies because I have
liked two girls named Carrie, who coincidentally, also shared the same
middle name of Anne. This situation is unfortunate not only because I
have failed to date both of these lovely ladies, but also because I
like both songs, and they would definitely strengthen my list. Another
unfortunate exclusion is "Valerie" by Steve Winwood, due to a three
year phase in which I liked and failed to date (or even make out with)
a girl named…yeah.

The
reason behind my exclusion of crushes and exes on my (and your) list is
actually quite simple to explain. If you like, or have liked, a girl
whose name is the focus of a rock song, you will automatically give
some sort of attention to that track. Like it or loathe it, it has an
effect on you, and then automatically becomes memorable. So for a song
to crack our lists, it will need to create some sort of emotional
response without an association with one of our many exes, none of
which, by the way, currently live in Texas.

If
you recall from my last article, I am strongly against ranking and
comparing music; so whenever I create my "lists" they will be "listed"
but not "ranked." So in no particular order, here we go:

#5) "Angie" by The Rolling Stones

This
song is so good that it makes me want to date, or even like, a girl
named Angie so that I can "see (her) eyes" "everywhere I look." I am by
no means a Wilt Chamberlain, but I have dated or, more accurately,
liked my share of ladies. However, none of them have been named Angie.
What are the odds? Am I the only person to have never liked an Angie?
That's hard to believe. Anyway, if your girlfriend is named Angie and
she has never heard this classic Stones track, I suggest you remedy
that.

#4) "Sarah" by Starship

I
have never dated a girl named Sarah either. We all know a hot girl
named Sarah, yes, but have you ever actually gotten to know that
special Sarah in your life? My agent Master P knew a girl named Sarah,
but she ended up being a psycho. But before she turned into one of the
many ladies who have issues from ex-boyfriends to deal with, it was
always fun to bust his balls by singing or playing that song in the
car, over the phone, and in quiet public places. (And by the way P, if
I ever end up liking a Sarah, you can return the favor.) However, if I
ever date a Sarah, then that means I would have to change my list, and
that would be quite a hassle. Hmmm. Anyway, that song is one of those
‘80's flashback songs that I always enjoy singing at the top of my
lungs at an Applebees while enjoying the happy-hour appetizers.

#3) "Layla," "Lyla," and "Lola" by Derek and the Dominoes, Oasis, and The Kinks, respectively.

I
have dated and/or known ladies named Kayla, Kyla, and Kalee, but
luckily, for the sake of this list, none of those names start with "L."
While "Layla" jumps of with arguably THE best opening to any song ever,
it also closes with an under appreciated piano phase that,
unfortunately, gets cut off by most commercial radio stations. And
while "Lyla" is one of the best Oasis songs in like 8 years, "Lola"
deserves a column of its own. It makes me want to check out the night
life in Old SoHo. It makes me want to drink Champagne that tastes like
cherry cola (c-o-la cola). It DOES NOT, however, make me want to dance
with a cross dresser. But that song is a fine reminder that it's a
mixed up, mumbled up, shook up world.

#2) "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart

My
next column is dedicated to the complex predicament of this song. Yes,
that's called a teaser, but no, I have no insight as to what happens to
Maggie May after the conclusion of the song.

#1) "Oh Sherrie" by Steve Perry

OK,
so I broke the rules. This song has an "Oh" in front of the girl's
name, and I specifically said that that was a no-no. However, it's fun
to break a few rules now and then. This Journey-esque tune is always
fun to rock out to. Whether it's in the shower, in a traffic jam, or at
the dentists office while getting your teeth cleaned, this song defines
the post-Journey Steve Perry experience. And although one of the
coolest people I have ever met was named Sherrie, our friendship (or
lack of?) allows this song to complete my list. The song and the girl
always make me laugh, and even though the girl has threatened to beat
my ass a few times, the song will always be a little less violent, but
not as interesting. However, cheesy soft-rock, by definition, is not
supposed to be all that fascinating. But hopefully, for your sake, this
list was.

So
I hope all of you lovesick rockers out there can work things out with
your significant other. Ladies, if you need a list of "guy" songs, let
me know. That will be much easier to make, well, at least as far as
elimination of exes is concerned. THERE ARE NO SONGS ineligible for
that list, that's what I'm saying. So until next time, I'll be laying
low in Texas…or Old Soho.