This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.
This is like a Dear Santa letter, except it's addressed to Uncle Sam.
I'm almost grown up now, so I understand Santa and Uncle Sam are mythic
in nature, but I'm writing with a few questions, just in case.
Dear America: I know you're really busy with your war and our economy,
and keeping that Paris Hilton out of jail, but I think you need to move
a few things higher up on your "To Do" list, ASAP!
First things first, I need to compliment you: Since the Presidential
election in 2000, most partisans are so angry; they're all blue and red
in the face! I'm just happy that Georgie Jr. didn't shoot Al. Also, I
was very proud of the way our citizens reacted after September 11,
2001. It was the first time I've seen all hands on deck, pulling on the
same rope, at the same time, since WWII. The utter millions of Chinese-
made American flags on display everywhere especially touched me.
Now, let's get down to brass tacks: I understand that you don't really want to be a hero, that's more in Uncle Sam's job description. But, there are a couple of groups that need your help and some rescue!
There
must be hundreds of thousands of older people that cannot keep up with
the skyrocketing price of medicine and care. These folks can't wait for
Superman or Batman. Be their hero. Let's honor our elders, not starve them to death! Please America, please, save them. Please save them. If you don't save them, no one else will!
Most
countries have traditionally turned to veterans in troubled times, You,
America are giving the bum's rush to the same warriors that saved your
bacon when the shootin' started. You made promises to all these former
employees that you aren't keeping. Never forget that they've been
trained in weaponry, tactics, and regime change. Keep your promises; remit the medical services you owe
to all American Veterans! Please America, please, give them the doctors
and therapy and re-training and new legs and money they need so
desperately. They fought, now pay up. If you don't save them, no one else will!
The next item is purely personal on my part: Can we get a special clause in the next Patriot Act to criminalize karaoke and all of the ventriloquists within our borders, before this year is out? It would improve everyone's life here. If you don't save me, no one else will.
Oh yeah, one other thing for me, me, me selfish me! I don't know how you managed it, but could we do without another couple of seasons of pro hockey? It'd probably help a lot with world peace.
Back
to the real stuff: The mother of all energy crunches is headed our way.
We should wire up treadmills and bicycles in our gyms to generate more
clean electricity. We can get the homeless to tend sea anchors, and
harness wave motion to generate even more clean electricity. We can
station former reality TV contestants across this great nation
collecting electricity from wind farms. (It gives them a feeling of
importance.) Let's make energy innovation available and hip. Combine behaviors and needs, and try it out in The People's Republic of Santa Monica. The whole world is watching!
Dear America, I've been extra, extra, really good this year! Please find a way to make this stuff happen. (You can nix the karaoke and hockey ideas.) If the founding fathers were here, and knew what you knew, they would do it! I believe in you, and know you will do it!
Remember, the newspaper editor with the letter about Santa Claus? Please America … write me back, and tell me:
" It shall be done, and Yes, Virginia, there is an Uncle Sam! "
I'm almost grown up now, so I understand Santa and Uncle Sam are mythic
in nature, but I'm writing with a few questions, just in case.
Dear America: I know you're really busy with your war and our economy,
and keeping that Paris Hilton out of jail, but I think you need to move
a few things higher up on your "To Do" list, ASAP!
First things first, I need to compliment you: Since the Presidential
election in 2000, most partisans are so angry; they're all blue and red
in the face! I'm just happy that Georgie Jr. didn't shoot Al. Also, I
was very proud of the way our citizens reacted after September 11,
2001. It was the first time I've seen all hands on deck, pulling on the
same rope, at the same time, since WWII. The utter millions of Chinese-
made American flags on display everywhere especially touched me.
Now, let's get down to brass tacks: I understand that you don't really want to be a hero, that's more in Uncle Sam's job description. But, there are a couple of groups that need your help and some rescue!
There
must be hundreds of thousands of older people that cannot keep up with
the skyrocketing price of medicine and care. These folks can't wait for
Superman or Batman. Be their hero. Let's honor our elders, not starve them to death! Please America, please, save them. Please save them. If you don't save them, no one else will!
Most
countries have traditionally turned to veterans in troubled times, You,
America are giving the bum's rush to the same warriors that saved your
bacon when the shootin' started. You made promises to all these former
employees that you aren't keeping. Never forget that they've been
trained in weaponry, tactics, and regime change. Keep your promises; remit the medical services you owe
to all American Veterans! Please America, please, give them the doctors
and therapy and re-training and new legs and money they need so
desperately. They fought, now pay up. If you don't save them, no one else will!
The next item is purely personal on my part: Can we get a special clause in the next Patriot Act to criminalize karaoke and all of the ventriloquists within our borders, before this year is out? It would improve everyone's life here. If you don't save me, no one else will.
Oh yeah, one other thing for me, me, me selfish me! I don't know how you managed it, but could we do without another couple of seasons of pro hockey? It'd probably help a lot with world peace.
Back
to the real stuff: The mother of all energy crunches is headed our way.
We should wire up treadmills and bicycles in our gyms to generate more
clean electricity. We can get the homeless to tend sea anchors, and
harness wave motion to generate even more clean electricity. We can
station former reality TV contestants across this great nation
collecting electricity from wind farms. (It gives them a feeling of
importance.) Let's make energy innovation available and hip. Combine behaviors and needs, and try it out in The People's Republic of Santa Monica. The whole world is watching!
Dear America, I've been extra, extra, really good this year! Please find a way to make this stuff happen. (You can nix the karaoke and hockey ideas.) If the founding fathers were here, and knew what you knew, they would do it! I believe in you, and know you will do it!
Remember, the newspaper editor with the letter about Santa Claus? Please America … write me back, and tell me:
" It shall be done, and Yes, Virginia, there is an Uncle Sam! "
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