The Cheers magazine
is looking for
new contributors

More from author
-	Okay, Now ... Just Breathe
-	Compost Mortem
-	Suitable For Framing
-	Boxer James Toney to be Honored ... Or Not
-	Freedom of Choice

See news about

activism AKP Al Yamamah Angelina Jolie BAE Systems Bill Murray bizarre news BRIT Awards Buick car crash Celebrity Commonwealth Bank Series Cricket Demi Moore extradition formula one France Gambhir genocide geri Halliwell headlines single Health Care Commission Heather Mills Hutu Hyperinflation Impeachment James Earl Katie Holmes Kylie Minogue Mika military tribunal MRSA Mugabe music Pakistan Pakistan Tour Paris Hilton Politics Ponting Prince Harry and Chelsy Rod Stewart Saudi Arabia SCG Secularists security Serious Fraud Office Sienna Miller Stockholm Syndrome Symonds terrorism The Huff Tim Burton Tutsi usic Victoria Beckham Victoria Beckham nude Yves Leterme00710 Worst Nude Film Scenes2nd amendment50 Cent50-Centa-teamA-Team movieABBAAbbie CornishAbi TitmussAbigail BreslinAcademy AwardsaccidentsAdam SandleraddictionsAdeleAdnan GhalibAfghanistanAfton SmithAgyness DeynAir IndiaAishwarya RaiAl GoreAl Pacinoal QaedaAl-QaedaAlan ArkinAlan RickmanAlanis MorisseteAlanis MorissetteAlbert EinsteinalcoholAlec BaldwinAlesha DixonAlex TurnerAlexandriaAli CampbellAli LarterAlicia KeysAlicia SilverstoneAllahAlli SimsAmanda HoldenAmanda PeetAmanda SeyfriedAmazonAmelle BerrabahAmerican IdolAmerican PieAmy AdamsAmy RyanAmy WinehouseAmy Winehouse is planning a massive Christmas bingAnatole TaubmannAndhraAndrew MortonAndy HilfigerAndy SerkisAng LeeAngela MerkelAngelina Jolieanimal rightsAnjelica HustonAnna NicoleAnna Nicole SmithAnne HathawayAnnie LennoxAnthony HopkinsAnthony MinghellaAnti-IconAntonio BanderasAppleArctic MonkeysAretha FranklinAri SandelArmaniArnieArnold SchwarzeneggerArpad BussonAshantiAshely TisdaleAshlee SimpsonAshley ColeAshley JuddAshley OlsenAshley TisdaleAshton KutcherAsif Ali ZardariAsley OlsenAssamastronautAtonementAtonement\'Audrey HepburnAustraliaAvril LavigneAyda FieldBabelbabyBackstairs BillyBackstreet Boysbad influencesBaftaBaghdadBalticBangladeshBar RafaeliBar RefaeliBarack ObamaBarry ManilowBasraBattlestar GalacticaBBCBeatlesbeauty pageantBeckhambecome news reporterBeethovenBelgiumBen AffleckBenazirBenazir assassinationBenazir BhuttoBenazir Bhutto assassinationBenazir Bhutto photosBenazir Bhutto stampsBenazir Bhutto willBenezir Bhutto assassinationBeowulfBernardo BertolucciBest ActressBest Dressed in 2007best haircutbest motorcycle movie momentsbest moviesBeth DittoBethlehemBette MidlerBeverly Hills 90210BeyonceBeyoncé KnowlesBeyonc¨¦ KnowlesBilawal ZardarBilawal ZardariBill GatesBillie PiperBillionaireBilly JoelBilly Zanebinge drinkingBipasha Basubird fluBismarckBizarre NewsBjorkBlack CrowesBlack Eyed PeasBlake FielderBlake Fielder CivilBlake Fielder-CivilblogbloggerbloggingBlurBMWBo DerekBob DylanBobby BrownBollywoodbombBon JoviBondBond 22Bond girlBond girlsBonoBoratBotoxBoy GeorgeBrad PittBrad RenfroBrainBrandon RouthBrandyBrazilbrazil prisonbread thievesBrendan FraserBrian MayBrian McFaddenBrian WilliamsBridget JonesBridget MoynahanBRIT AwardsBritish royal familyBritish Secret IntelligenceBritney SpearBritney SpearsBritney Spears adoptionBritney Spears body doubleBritney Spears lawyerBritney Spears psychological evaluationBritsBrittany MurphyBrooke ShieldsBruce LeeBruce SpringsteenBruce WillisBruneiBryan AdamsBuckingham Palacebulletproof vestBushBusta RhymesCairoCalista FlockhartCalvin KleinCameron DiazCameron MackintosCamila AlvesCamillaCanadaCanada¡¯s Juno AwardscancercannabisCannesCannes Film FestivalCapri Hollywood Film FestivalCarey HartCarla Bruni-SarkozyCarmen ElectraCarmit BacharCaroline KennedyCarrie UnderwoodCasablancaCasey AffleckCasey AldridgeCash WarrenCasio keyboardCat DeeleyCate BlanchettCaterina MurinoCatherine Zeta-Jones

 

Some people just can't leave well enough alone. Or, as my first grade teacher used to say, "It only takes one bad apple to ruin things for everyone else."

So, you can imagine how upset I was to find out that some crackpot engineer had been tampering with one of the great inventions of the past 100 years.

I'm talking, of course, about the snooze alarm.

The snooze alarm is the perfect union of technology and functionality, allowing you to drift aimlessly in a semi-dreamlike state for up to twelve hours at a time.

The snooze alarm is an island of tranquility in a stormy sea of responsibility and maturity. In another time, we would have composed odes and epic poems to the snooze alarm.

I'd do it myself but I've got another seven minutes of sleep time left before I have to get up for work.

All this is by way of saying that I believe there is a special circle in Hell reserved for the guy who perverted the snooze alarm by inventing the flying alarm clock. This instrument of the Devil is designed to launch itself when your alarm goes off and then fly around the room making a mosquito-like buzzing noise.  [Aerial alarm clock]

The only way to shut off the alarm is to catch it and put it back on its base. Should you decide to hit the snooze alarm, the makers of the flying alarm clock have designed it so that the mosquito pod takes off again.

If you aren't awakened by the gratingly annoying buzzing sound or what, through half-opened, sleep-fogged eyes appears to be a mosquito with a five inch wingspan, you can always wait for the pod to run out of juice. In which case, it will fall out of the sky and knock you on the head or some other sensitive part of your anatomy.

If you think you wake up in a bad mood now, imagine how much more darkly you'll view the world on a morning that begins with a Luftwaffe strafing followed by a quarter-pound shot to your cobblers.

Make no mistake, this is the type of thing that causes people show up to their office with a rifle.

And in a world where someone can sue you because they had an allergic reaction to your perfume, how is it that there are no lawsuits against a company that fires an out-of-control projectile into your personal airspace at six-thirty in the morning?

At the very least, can't somebody invent a vibrating Carmen Electra snooze alarm? You could program it to murmur promises of sexual fulfillment until you decided to roll out of bed …three and a half days later. [

Or, if you absolutely had to wake up at a certain time, you could have your life-sized Pussycat Doll alarm clock gently whisper, "It's time for a threesome ...with Dennis Rodman." [

==================

You can, if you're some kind of sadomasochistic freak, purchase the flying alarm clock at: http://www.boysstuff.co.uk/product.asp?id=13583